In honor of Thanksgiving week I’m joining the television networks and offering up some re-runs. Gobble gobble!
Now, you probably read the title of this post and assumed that I’m about to be mean to some poor author who was unfortunate enough to send me a letter. But never fear! No authors were harmed in the making of this blog. I wrote this really bad query letter myself. I know, I know. You can save your applause until the end.
I thought it might be helpful to post a letter that includes some of the common mistakes people make in query letters so you can avoid them. Don’t do as this poor, hapless writer did. Er, I mean don’t do as I did. Do as I don’t.
rip pffffffffffffffffffffff cough cough cough cough oh god get it out of here [Since I can’t include smellovision in my blog posts, that is my reenactment of the experience of opening a query letter that smells like old, stale cigarette smoke. Let’s just say it’s not a happy smell.]
Dear Miss Snark, [As much as I enjoy seeing which agent you queried before me, it’s probably not the best strategy to forget to change the salutation.]
Have you ever wondered what it would be like if there was a race a heartless zombies who ate, nay enjoyed, human flesh? [Mayday mayday. My epic war against query letters beginning with rhetorical questions is not going well. Please send reinforcements.] In my 250,000 word novel, the first of a million word trilogy, a race of homicidal zombies target literary agents, gleefully spilling their vile literary agent blood all over their computers, enacting revenge on behalf of mankind for all of the query letters they have rejected over the years. [250,000 words is waaaay too long. Also you might want to avoid plot lines that involve literary agents dying at the hands of crazed zombies. I’m just saying.]
Drew Diggler was born in Denver, Colorado. His best friend was named Charlie. His dog was named Fred. He once had a crush on a girl named Susan. Susan dumped him. Then he went to high school. In high school he had a dream about zombies. But he didn’t meet any actual zombies until much later. He went to college. In college he saw a movie about zombies. Then after he graduated from college he actually met a zombie. The zombie told him it was his mission in life to stab every literary agent in the world with their staplers. [Too much information. Where is the plot? Also, I’m not a big fan of excessive gore. Especially gore that involves literary agents.]
Meanwhile, Drew Diggler realizes that he hates his corporate soul-sucking job, he has grown weary of his wife and their two children, he hates like, his existence, man, so he quits his job/travels around the world/goes on a homicidal killing spree. [The whole man-suffering-crushing-ennui-and-subsequent-mid-life crisis plot is just a tad played out. Also, what happened to the zombie? He was kind of growing on me.]
And then after he quits his job/travels around the world/goes on a homicidal killing spree, he discovers Jesus’ DNA and decides to clone him while uncovering a centuries old plot that is protecting the hidden meaning of life just as he stumbles upon a government conspiracy concealing the existence of extraterrestrial life, all the while being chased by the bad guy, who is an evil albino. [You might want to avoid these plotlines as well. And this letter is going on too long.]
This is just one of seventeen unpublished projects I would like you to represent, all attached here. [Writes about more than one project, attaches a file]. I’m so so so so so so sorry I’m a first time writer, I know I’m not qualified, I genuflect before you, but see, at least I know the word genuflect so that has to count for something, right? I know there are better qualified writers out there than me, but I hope you will please give me a chance. Please? Will you? I hope you will. [Don’t apologize for being a first time writer — I like first time writers! They have that new author smell.]
My book is kind of like THE DA VINCI CODE mixed with THE LOVELY BONES meets THE HISTORIAN mixed with a dash of HARRY POTTER and ERAGON. Oh, and it’s also like FANCY NANCY and THE FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN. Now that I think about it it’s exactly like a lot of other bestselling books out there, so it is guaranteed to be a #1 New York Times Bestseller. [Don’t compare your book to a bunch of other bestselling books — it’s ok to reference other books, but you probably want to avoid big bestsellers]. I did not include a SASE in my letter, nor did I include an e-mail address, in fact I’m also not going to include a phone number, just so you cannot possibly get in touch with me. [This actually happens — I have a file full of letters with absolutely no contact information. Sadly I was not even able to reach the authors using telepathy.]
Let’s make some money together. [Whenever people say this I always imagine that we’re starting a used car dealership.]
Nathan Bransford, Author
Hmmm….. on second thought, maybe there is a market for literary agent hunting zombies. I’m going to request a partial from myself.