Thanks again to Erica for being one of the brave souls to offer up their work for public critique!
There is an immediately apparent personality on display here, and I think we get a good sense of the conflict. There is an engaging hook (kid having to move away, doesn’t want to), and let’s face it, the prospect of moving to a town named after an Italian scooter couldn’t be appealing to any teenager.
I broke my thoughts down into two main sections:
Balancing showing and telling
I’m afraid I didn’t feel that the balance between showing and telling is quite working itself out in this page. On the one hand the author demonstrates mood through gesture, which is an example of showing, but I wasn’t quite sure that enough was gained from the gestures. On the other hand, there are other moments that are a bit too tell-y.
Let’s start with the showing. My reservation with the gestures is that they are a bit too what-you’d-expect-from-a-teenager-who-doesn’t-want-to-move. Glares, footstomps, anger at parent… pretty much exactly what you’d anticipate. While I think we do get a basic sense of the narrator’s personality, I’m concerned she doesn’t quite feel unique enough, and that there could be more gained from some unique reactions and perspectives.
And also cutting against the narration, there are moments when we’re told precisely what the protagonist is thinking (“The reference to home bothered me more than I wanted my mom to know.”, “The two months after my mom announced we were moving made me feel like I was losing my mind”), and I wanted to see those effects in action and for those feelings to be shown.
I’ve tackled showing vs. telling before, and my basic rule of thumb is that you shouldn’t “tell” universal emotions – instead it’s better to show how a character is reacting to those emotions. Better still if that character is reacting to those emotions in a unique fashion. We all experience the same basic emotions – how we react to those emotions is what makes us unique.
Stilted Dialogue
Dialogue does not have to sound precisely like real life, but it has to give enough of an impression of real life dialogue that we believe it. I’m afraid I just didn’t believe all of the dialogue here. The mom’s first line especially (“Child-like antics really don’t suit you, Kenz”) feels stilted. Would someone say “Child-like antics?” or would they say something like, “You’re acting like a child?” Then again, I love the line, “You have two nights left to mope around.”, which reveals more than anything else in that paragraph.
The stilted dialogue is symptomatic of a bit of overwriting in general – the paragraphs feel like they could use some streamlining, which I’ll try and pinpoint in the redline.
Still, I feel like there is some promising writing here. Like many of you I really liked the last line, and I’d be curious to see where this goes.
REDLINE
Title: A New Day
Genre: YA comtemporary romance
I slammed the car door and shouldered my way past the men scattered around the front yard Can you shoulder your way through people who are scattered? Don’t you normally shoulder your way through a crowd?. I spotted my mother and just about growled at her Do people consciously just about growl? while waving my hands at the moving van. “This is ridiculous. Get my stuff out of there!” I tried not to stomp my foot, but apparently my desperation caused my body parts to take control over my brain this feels overwritten, and a bit too self-aware. She tries not to stomp her foot, does, and then reasons that her desperation is causing her body parts to take control of her brain? Couldn’t she just stomp? .
“Child-like antics really don’t suit you, Kenz, not sure I believe this” my mother replied with a voice that left no doubt that she was sick of me we know how it sounds from the dialogue. “You have two nights left to mope around I like this, and it conveys everything in the last dialogue/tag far more effectively. They’re only here for the big furniture this time.”
“Fine, I’ll sit on lawn chairs and sleep on the floor then feels stilted. You need to give up this moving idea and stay here with me, because I’m not going anywhere.”
“This life isn’t for us anymore. We’re going home.” One finger went up as she saw my mouth open for another protest. “Spend tonight with your friends. Tomorrow’s going to be busy and we leave first thing Sunday morning.”
I did my best to throw threw the moving van workers an intimidating glare as I walked past again, but it just made them grin wider. The reference to home bothered me more than I wanted my mom to know show this.
The two months after my mom announced we were moving made me feel like I was losing my mind the two months make her feel like she was losing her mind? Or the announcement? Precision! . Vespa, Wisconsin was the last place on earth I wanted to live. It was her home, not mine really like this.
Anonymous says
I slammed the car door shut. The ancient Mustang rocked, shedding rust and paint onto the hot asphalt. I could feel old Mrs. Vandermeyer's gaze creeping up my neck as I ran across the street to my front yard.
Damn, shit, damn, damn.
An army of moving men shuffled between our house and the enormous yellow truck labeled "Meg's Mega-Movers" parked in the driveway. Two of them cradled my battered old dresser in their hairy bear-paws. I tried to block their path, but they just side-stepped me. Grinning, the bastards.
Then I spotted my mother and stabbed a finger at the truck. "No. I said _no_. Get my stuff out of there."
My mother closed her eyes and did that New Age yoga-breathing thing that made my stomach curdle. "They're only here for the big furniture, Kenz. You have two night left to mope around."
"Fine. Great. I'll sleep on the floor then. But I am Not. Going. Anywhere."
"Kenz…." More breathing tricks. "We talked about it. I–We're going home." Then her eyes flicked open, bright and angry and brilliant green. "Listen to me for once. You can spend the night with friends, but we leave first thing Sunday morning."
She sidled past me to talk with the chief bear-handler, leaving me to do my own unhappy breathing thing. Oh sure, we had talked. We'd done nothing but talk for two months, ever since my mom announced we were moving. But for all that talk-talk-talk, my mother never heard anything I said.
Vespa, Wisconsin was the last place on earth I wanted to live. It was her home, not mine.
Kate says
This is so awesome. I read the piece and really liked the voice, energy, conflict, and several key lines throughout. But something just felt off and I couldn't pinpoint what it was.
But Nathan can! Thanks, Nathan! And great job writer!
Erica75 says
Last anon – Kenz doesn't swear. I know, probably not good in YA. I tried to make her swear this one time, with double-dog-dares, and all I got was a weak "crap?". It's a character flaw of the most generic variety and no matter how many military schools I've sent her to, I can't elicit one gd swear word out of her. It's exasperating, really.
AND DO NOT get me started on the mother. Not only does she do yoga, but she buys Kenz super-crappy-not-even-1989-Mustang-worthy cars. Seriously, like a 1991 Mercury Cougar. Gold.
There was this one time, back in 2001, I think it was, that I hired Meg's Mega-Movers. NEVER AGAIN!! You'd think a professional (ha) bunch of guys could properly box up my linens. Think again. Wrapped them around the wheels of my bed, they did. Ruined the best flour cloth I ever bought. No way am I putting them in my book.
Anonymous says
Erica: Is there really a Meg's Mega-Movers? I made that up on the fly, honest.
As for the rest: this was just an example to show how you could add more details, more show instead of tell, without adding much length. As with any critique, take whatever works for you and disregard the rest.
Just one piece of advice: don't be afraid to use details that evoke strong emotions.
–eqb
Erica75 says
eqb – I was totally kidding. Thanks for the ideas, really.
Anonymous says
Erica: You're welcome. Now all you need to do is take the energy and emotion from your blog posts and transfer them to your fiction and you'll be all set.
Anonymous says
eqb & Erica if you are still watching this post.
eqb-wow!that totally pulled me in.
Erica-wow your reply totally pulled me in. I agree with eqb-throw that into your page!
Bangalow Accommodation says
Brave Erica ! Excellent critique 🙂