It’s Monday, which means it’s time for our regular feature: WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENED ON LOST IT’S EVERYTHING I CAN DO TO AVOID A SPOILER RIGHT NOW MONDAYS!!! Oh. I mean Page Critique Monday. Which will occasionally be Query Critique Monday, One Sentence/One Paragraph/Two Paragraph Pitch Critique Monday, Synopsis Critique Monday, and Insert Other Kind of Monday.
A reminder of the rules (please read before posting because the first eligible comment will get the critique):
1. The first person to enter a 250 word excerpt from the beginning of their novel in the comment section will win the critique. Please also tell us the title and genre.
2. I will update the post with the excerpt, unedited, so we can all read and form our opinions.
3. I will later update the post again with the excerpt now featuring my redlines, thoughts, comments, drawrings, emoticons, and assorted other marginalia (but really only redlines, thoughts, and comments)
4. Feel free to add your own two cents, but remember the sandwich method: positive, extremely polite constructive criticism (and I mean it), positive. I’ve decreed you need to read and heed this creed or I’ll proceed to make you bleed. Indeed.
To the island! Or whatever it was!
UPDATE #1: THE EXCERPT
Here is the page. I’ll be back later with my critique.
Secrets of the Moon Fox
Fantasy/Suspence
Arriving home, Liska noticed instantly, even before she got to the door, that someone was already inside. Living alone, and being mildly anti-social, this was neither expected nor desired. Now, was whoever was inside looking for Liska or ‘Anna’?
She analyzed the place silently. There was no outward proof to back up her suspicions. The door was still shut, and apparently locked, the windows were shaded just as she had left them, but instinct, deep animal instinct warned her. Her den had been invaded. But by whom and why?
A college dorm room is not known for being overly secure. This dorm, built in the same mold of a motel, was even less so. Absolutely anyone could walk onto the campus, pick or force the sub-standard lock, and waltz in. Yes, she was on the second floor, which made random break-ins a touch less likely, but it wasn’t impossible. This didn’t feel random, though.
It could be a thief or an attacker that was focused on her or her current ‘safe’ persona. If that was the case, it would be wise to have Liska ready, even if not immediately apparent. On the other hand, it could be something logical and harmless, like the RA doing an inspection or leaving a note; or maintenance or the bug exterminator she had been warned would come by sometimes. Those would definitely be ‘Anna’ visitors. It could be a family member waiting for her; to deliver a message, or test her. Or both.
UPDATE #2: THE CRITIQUE
Thanks so much to HJHarding for offering up the page for critique. This is the third page critique in a row that begins with an interesting setup! In this case a potential burglary-in-progress or some other mysterious visitor. There’s an immediate question that sucks in the reader (Who is in there?) and my curiosity was definitely piqued. It also seems like there may be some sort of dual-identity thing going on, which I’d be curious to learn more about.
That said, I’m afraid I had a few concerns, which break down into three broad categories:
1) Building suspense/interest
As mentioned, this setup has a lot of potential: someone might be in this person’s home (or den… or dorm… more on that in a minute). And yet that’s basically all we learn about what’s actually happening. The rest of the page passes as the protagonist spends three paragraphs standing in place, idly wondering what is happening and running through a list of hypothetical possibilities.
There are no more clues even about how the protagonist knows or senses that someone is inside, so instead of learning more detail about the world or the character or the predicament, we have a character thinking, essentially: this could be dangerous or it could be harmless, who could say really?
Yes, there’s surely more to come, but I wasn’t sure I understood what the protagonist knew or how they knew what they knew, nor was I clear what they really felt about whatever it was they knew or suspected. If the intent is to build suspense (it may not be, but seems to be here), it’s far more suspenseful if the protagonist is actually acting on their curiosity, investigating, and noticing key details rather than idly wondering about hypotheticals.
And a good (though of course oft-excepted) rule of thumb: in the absence of dramatic irony, if the protagonist isn’t scared your reader probably isn’t going to be scared.
2) Specificity of Detail
It’s very important to keep in mind that just about every noun has a default mental image associated with it, and it’s one reason why it’s important to be as precise as possible with descriptions. When we read that someone is wielding a gun, unless you specify otherwise we’re going to assume the the character holding it in their hand and not their feet. When we read the word office, we’re going to assume there’s a desk, a computer, and maybe some filing cabinets unless the writer specifies otherwise.
And in this case, when the author says someone arrives at “home,” maybe it’s just me but I’m picturing a house without any clarifying detail. I don’t even live in a house and I still picture a house. But then it’s referred to as a “den,” and coming after the phrase “deep animal instinct,” I thought okay, this is an animal and they’re arriving back at their den. Then we get to “dorm,” and I had to revise my mental image a third time.
It’s a jarring experience for the reader to have to continually revise their mental image of a setting, and it doesn’t establish trust that the reader is in sure hands. In this case, the first line could have very easily specified that Liska was arriving back at her dorm room and we would have been on solid footing, since it’s specific. Then when we got to “den” we’d be more likely to read it as I suspect the author intends – that this character is part animal or has animal-like tendencies. But even then it’s important to clue the reader in that the character is literally thinking like an animal, and reinforce that interpretation as much as possible because it’s probably not the first place the reader’s mind is going to go.
3) Flow
I thought there were some interesting stylistic touches, but I’m afraid these paragraphs never quite got into a flow for me. Part of this was due to several tense inconsistencies, and there were also some sentences that felt broken off before their natural completion. I wasn’t feeling like one sentence was leading naturally to the next.
Also, I felt like some of the details were vague when they could have been more specific, and as a result I had some trouble unpacking the last paragraph on the page especially. For instance, is her entire family really prone to/capable of breaking into her dorm room or is there one or two specific family members that she’d be worried about?
REDLINE
Secrets of the Moon Fox
Fantasy/Suspence
Arriving home, Liska noticed instantly, even before she got to the door, that someone was already inside. Living alone, and being mildly anti-social, this was neither expected nor desired. Passive voice/fragment. It also feels a bit languid if we’re supposed to get the sense that she’s nervous – she just seems mildly bothered. (this might be the intent) Now, was whoever was inside looking for Liska or ‘Anna’? I am not anti-rhetorical questions in novels themselves. But I found this one a little jarring.
She analyzed the place silently “The place” feels a bit vague to me. Is there something in particular she’s looking at to help ground us?. There was no outward proof to back up her suspicions. The door was still shut, and apparently locked “apparently” locked? How can she tell?, the windows were shaded just as she had left them, but instinct, deep animal instinct warned her I’m afraid the repetition of “instinct, deep animal instinct” didn’t quite work for me. Her den had been invaded. But by whom and why?
A college dorm room is not known for being overly secure Aren’t they?. This dorm, built in the same mold of a motel, was even less so. Absolutely anyone could have walked onto the campus, picked or forced the sub-standard lock, and waltzed in. Yes, she was on the second floor, which made random break-ins a touch less likely, but it wasn’t impossible. This didn’t feel random, though I think this would read better without the “though”.
It could have been a thief or an attacker that was focused on her “that was focused on her” reads awkwardly – don’t think you need “that was”, and “focused” seems vague. What does “focused on” mean? Are they targeting her? Investigating her? Hunting her? or her current ‘safe’ persona. If that was were the case, it would have been wise to have Liska ready, even if not immediately apparent I’m not sure what “if not immediately apparent” means. On the other hand, it could have been something logical and harmless, like the RA doing an inspection or leaving a note; or maintenance or the bug exterminator she had been warned would come by sometimes. Those would definitely have been ‘Anna’ visitors. It could have been a family member waiting for her; to deliver a message, or test her. Or both.
Vandersun says
I completely agree with you on the Lost front. I mean, yeah, it's nice that you explained what those last few episodes were because I've been watching this show for a grueling SIX seasons and THAT was the main thing I wanted to know…"Now, what's all this happy stuff?"
Anyway, enough about Lost.
Mostly, I have a question. Will this page critiquing thing be a continuous event? If so, I really think I'd better get cracking on my 250 words…
Vandersun says
Nevermind. Stupid question. Seriously, though… I can't stop pounding my fists on things and screaming "Why, Lost…WHY!?"
Anonymous says
Nathan, do you ever feel like people are kissing up to you?
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure you're very good at what you do, but some of these posts.
Makes me want to say,
"If you're going to kiss my butt, buy me dinner first."
k10wnsta says
By now, all the positives and negatives of HJ's submission have been laid bare – if not by Nathan, then by the army of helpful commenters above.
So I'd like to touch on a couple of the side issues breached by Nathan's blog post and the resulting discussion:
1) To all the Lost folk – /facepalm – I just don't get the show's appeal. I've tried to. I really have. It's just…I dunno, I guess I always got the impression the writers had no idea where they were going with it all. They may have found some direction once a definitive length for the series was established, but by then the rabbit hole was 3 seasons deep and instead of trying to get out, they just started digging sideways.
Regardless, I'm glad you guys had fun with it.
2) Miss McQuein: you have definitely got 'it'. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. The excerpts of your work I've had the opportunity to read over the past year have all demonstrated a strength of clarity and vocal confidence that's rare to see in online writing communities. Now it's just a matter of turning the earth til you find that iceberg of a story…or the tip of it anyway.
and finally,
3) Parroting what's already been said countless times: I think this contest is a great concept for Nathan's blog. It's a win-win situation – not only does it offer readers/writers invaluable insight but it reduces by one the number of days in the week Nathan has to come up with an original topic to blog about.
That being said, I really think the criteria for entry/winning could stand to be tweaked a bit. It has to be trifling to enter the same submission a few weeks in a row without winning cuz if/when you finally do, it'll be old hat. And what's going on with people submitting entries an hour (much less a full day) after the winning entry is received???
Well, after puzzling on it for a few, I'm afeard I have no suggestions for improving things (thus rendering my criticism utterly useless).
Deepa says
My thoughts:
I definitely wanted to know who is in the apartment… and that's exactly how u want to make ur readers feel. So that's good.
Some of the sentences were too complex. For eg: The door was still shut, and apparently locked, the windows were shaded just as she had left them, but instinct, deep animal instinct warned her.
When u read quickly – you tend to skip a few words in between and a long/complex sentence doesn't make sense anymore. You then need to re-read it again. So lesser commas might work.
In the first line, you start by talking about Liska. Then you introduce Anna… her human half i guess. But while talking about Liska you mention home, then den. So it confuses. Maybe you could settle for using words like 'den' for Liska and words like 'Home, Dorm' while talking about Anna. And not mix up the two.
Also, when u start off, ur talking about Liska. So when you say 'If that was the case, it would be wise to have Liska ready, even if not immediately apparent' it now sounds like ur talking from Anna's perspective. Otherwise you could just say 'it would be wise to have her ready' and not mention liska again, as we have already established that we are talking about her.
"It could be a thief or an attacker that was focused on her or her current ‘safe’ persona." – I assumed Anna would be the 'safe' persona…
The story sounds interesting, and will definitely have lots of twists and turns =) But since the plot sounds complex, with dual personalities and all, maybe you should have the sentences a little more simpler.
Josin L. McQuein says
Awee, k10wnsta. Thank you!!!
🙂
Ishta Mercurio says
I am WAAAY late to this party, but I thought I'd leave a quick comment in case it helps.
First, HJHarding, congratulations on getting your post in first! I can't believe the number of posts that show as posting within a minute. Wow.
I was intrigued by the dual-identity element that you appear to be setting up, and I definitely wanted to know more about that. However, I felt throughout the excerpt that I didn't really know much about the MC other than that, and I wanted more details about how she "knew" that someone was in her dorm room. You have some great ideas with a potential break-in at the beginning and an MC with what appear to be dual personalities, but I felt like I wanted more of that fleshed out a bit with details like what Liska/Anna saw/heard/sensed that made her suspect a break-in, what she wanted to do about it, etc. This was, for me, an example of telling ("Liska noticed instantly…that someone was already inside.") instead of showing, and I think that given the details you provide in the second paragraph, you can come up with some details to show us how Liska knew there was an intruder, and what she felt about it.
Good luck with this intriguing piece, and thank you again for putting it out there for critique!
Sangay Glass says
From the Romantic Thriller: Kate, Blue Jeans, and a Single Shot
________
Catherine rummaged through the medicine cabinet, tossing her toothbrush and other necessary items in a backpack.
As she reached for the mouthwash the front door opened and slammed. Footsteps tread heavily around the apartment at an alarming pace.
“Catherine!” her husband, Michael shouted.
Terrified, she ran to shut the bathroom door but it was too late, Michael was already on it. She pushed against it trying her best to keep him on the other side, but his hand found a handful of her hair. He yanked, slamming her head against the door jam.
Keeping his grip on the fist full of hair, he dragged her out and to the living room where he shoved her on the couch.
“Do you know how much trouble you’ve caused?” His fist met her right temple, knocking her over.
She drew up her knees up to protect her face and body.
“The police think I killed you.” He went to kick her, but his shoe flew off and landed by her feet.
She cowered, hearing his frustration come to a boiling point as he growled.
“You fucking bitch!” He picked up the shoe and whipped her with it. “Who's been protecting you?”
The intercom buzzed.
Michael stopped and turned to look at it, taking a good step backward.
It gave Catherine an opportunity to run. She got to the door and leaned hard on the intercom button allowing whoever was out there in, knowing she wouldn’t be able to fight Michael off otherwise. Then she prayed it wasn’t a delivery to be left by the door.
Michael was at her back almost immediately as she desperately tried to unlatch the deadbolt, but she wasn’t about to give up. They fought over lock until, success, but Michael hammered her forehead against the door and wrenched her hand away, twisting it behind her back.
“You won't get away this time.” He reached over her shoulder to lock the deadbolt.
Before he could, the door flew open, knocking them both down.
Hit hardest by the door, Catherine’s mouth filled with the irony taste of her blood, forcing her to cough it out in a bright red spray on the carpet.
Though stunned, she sat herself up, and was offered a hand off of Michael who remained motionless staring at her savior.
Jay closed the door behind him. “Do you think anybody in the building heard that?”
“No,” She shook her head “Everyone works during the day.”
“Good,” Jay said, examining her face. “Go wash up. I’ll take care of him.”
Jay reached in the coat pocket of his leather jacket and pulled out a snubnosed revolver. He pressed it against Michael’s forehead.
Catherine backed down the hall, watching, hoping Jay wouldn’t cross the line and kill Michael.
“So you like beatin’ on women.” Jay smiled. “But that’s not how I roll. Take a guess as to what I’ve got planned for you.”