This query is part of the Be an Agent for a Day contest. Rules and Regulations here
Please post your rejection or manuscript request in the comment section!
Dear Agent for a Day,
I chose to submit to you because of your wonderful taste in fantasy, and because you keep such an updated and informative blog.
Zach is a young college student living in the kingdom of Azarath. But when the young man realizes that his life is really messed up, Zach finds himself jumping through worlds and trying to overthrow the mysterious Aderyn in his quest to find the perfect world.
‘The End of the Worlds’ is a 54,461 word long work of fantasy and this is my first novel.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Best wishes,
Author
The sun was just starting to rise when Zach woke up. It wasn’t exactly the most beautiful sunrise he had ever seen, though. In fact, the twenty-five-year-old was pretty certain that a featherless bird or a shaved cat was more breathtaking than this particular sunrise. The sky was cloudy and dismal and it had rained all that night and would probably continue to do so for all of today.
Zach yawned, stretched, then proceeded to go through his daily routine. He took off a sheet from his daily trivia calendar (it said something about who truly won the Great War), debated about shaving (he decided not to), brushed his teeth, and then got dressed. He then went downstairs to greet his friend and housemate, Aurora.
Aurora was a nice enough girl with tan skin, green eyes, and straight blonde hair. She was the cook in the house and was willing to experiment with just about anything. Needless to say, some of her favorite ingredients for omelettes were ostrich, porcupine, and, of course, gold fish. Zach trusted her not with his pet cat Mecca, a calico cat that enjoyed hiding under beds and other furniture. Or, in extreme circumstances, his lunch.
As Zach walked into the kitchen, a plate with a cheese and sweet onion omelette on it was passed into his hand, followed by a glass of milk. “Thanks,” he said, sitting at the table. Aurora soon sat across from him, tousling his dark hair.
“What’s the plan for today, Zach?” Aurora innocently asked. Zach turned away from her, realizing what day today was. “Are we going to the college library?”
Zach sighed. “You can. I’m not.”
Aurora cocked her head, showing off her small ears. “Why not?”
“You know why.”
Aurora gasped in false realization. “I know why!” Zach looked at her. “You melt in the rain!”
Zach laughed, his mood lightening slightly. “No, no, that’s my dad. I have a prior arrangement, remember?”
Aurora nodded, remembering for real. “Oh, right! You want me to come with?”
Zach shook his head. “No, it’s okay. You don’t have to.”
“You sure? You’re not all that good at planting flowers.”
“No, I’ve got it covered.” Zach paused, then continued. “What do you think, Aurora, daffodils or lilies?”
Aurora thought for a moment. “I think it should be daffodils. They last longer than lilies, don’t they?”
Zach nodded. “Thanks. I’ll get the gardening stuff and I’ll take the truck, ‘kay?”
Aurora nodded. “Take a coat and umbrella!” Zach nodded again, then grabbed the truck keys and gardening tools, then left to go to the florist.
Today was October 13th. It was also Zach’s older brother’s birthday. Aside from that, it was also the day his older brother had died. Every year, Zach went to pay his respects and just talk with his brother, Alex. A bunch of his friends said that it was really creepy, but Zach said he felt it made things just a bit better. Deep down, Zach felt that it was his own fault that Alex was dead, no matter what therapist said to him on the contrary.
The cemetery was quiet as the rain drizzled and a slight breeze whisked through. Zach held his umbrella in one hand and the daffodils in the other. He slowly made his way to the tombstone and knelt in front of it.. The inscription said the full name, Alexander Matthew Entineval, and his year of birth and death. There wasn’t anything else on the plain, gray stone. After some prayer, Zach uprooted the weeds and planted the daffodil bulbs in the ground.
“Hey, bro,” Zach said, after he was done. “How you doing?” Nothing happened. “Yeah, same here. You remember Aurora, right? She’s doing okay. I haven’t told her that those beads she left you and mom got stolen. It would break her heart.” Zach sat on the ground. “My studies on temporal physics are coming along great. I’ve almost got my doctorate! Isn’t that great, Alex? It’s just what I’ve always wanted.” There was a pause, then, “Alex, what would you do if you were alive? I know you were interested in law enforcement, but . . . ” Silence. “You know what would be great? If you were still alive.”
There was a sudden gust of wind that almost blew away Zach’s umbrella. The rain started to come down harder. On the wind, Zach thought he heard someone say, “Don’t even think about it.” Of course, he was still half asleep, so it could be his imagination.
Zach stood up and brushed himself off. “Alex, I think I’m going to do it. I think I’m going to protect you. Somehow.” Another gust of wind and more rain. “Think about it! I can not only protect you, but I can protect mom and get rid of dad! On top of that, we’ll know where mom stashed your Halloween candy that year!” The wind seemed to die down a bit, and Zach loosened his grip on the handle of his umbrella, but then another blast from the wind tore it from his hand. “Oh, you did that on purpose, didn’t you, big brother?” Zach laughed, not really caring that it was now raining cats and dogs. “I’ll figure it out. I’ll travel through time to protect you and mom and dad. I’ll be a hero… no… I’ll be a god! I’ll be beyond the physics of our world! All shall bow before the might of Zachary Entineval!” With that, Zach ran off toward the truck, while the storm raged on until it seemed to die out and went back to being a slight drizzle.
When Zach got back to his house, Aurora was sitting on the couch in the living room, reading a book on religion. She turned and gasped. “Oh, gods, Zach! What happened?” She ran upstairs and quickly came back with pajamas, quilt and a steaming cup of hot cocoa. Zach sighed and put on the pajamas, wrapped himself up in the blanket and sat down on the couch with the cocoa.
“I’m pretty sure my brother enjoys manipulating weather just to mess with my head.” Zach took a sip of cocoa. “Mm! Marshmallows? You shouldn’t have.”
Aurora gently took the cup of cocoa from Zach’s hands and placed it on the coffee table in front of them. She then slapped him across the face. “I don’t care what you believe, Zach, but saying your brother controls the weather is blasphemous in my book.”
Zach rubbed his cheek, then grabbed the cocoa. “Sorry. …. who was it that controls the weather again?”
Aurora sighed, putting her face in her palm. “The gods, silly.”
“Yeah, but which one?”
“It depends on what’s going on.”
Zach sighed. He never did understand Aurora’s religion. And, even though he roomed with her and she actively practiced this religion, he probably never would. “Never mind, Aurora. I just thought of an amazing idea.”
“I’m afraid.”
“You see, we make this device that carries us through time, right? And–“
”And we see our future selves.”
“No. We–“
”We see our past selves and tell them not to make the same mistakes we made.”
“No, we–“
”Go back to the founding of the planet and tell the gods to stop what they’re doing.”
“No, we let me finish!” Aurora blushed. “We go back in time and we protect my mom and brother!”
Aurora closed her eyes and thought, then said, “By changing the time line, we would most likely make ourselves cease existing as we do now. Then, we might not feel the need to change the time line, so we ultimately would be trapped in a horrible cycle of changing then not changing. Is that what you want?”
Zach thought for a minute, looked like he was going to say something, thought some more, and then said, “Hey, maybe there’s a world out there where that rule didn’t apply. Wouldn’t that be great?”
“What would be better is if there was a world where we were there…”
“… and?”
“And we were living an as-close-to-perfect-as-physically-possible life. You know, your brother not dead, your mom not dead, and your dad not a crazy murderer.”
Zach turned to her. “And your folks accept you for who you care about and where you live!”
Aurora looked at Zach. “And everyone was happy!”
Zach grabbed her hands. “Yes! … but…” He turned away. “How will we know which is the right world for us?”
Aurora thought for a moment and scratched behind her head, then said, “I dunno. What if we just keep going through worlds till we find the right one?”
Zach looked back at her and gave her a hug. “Have I mentioned lately that you’re just too awesome for words, Aurora?”
Aurora smiled. “I know I am. But what about you? You’re my springboard.”
“Aw, you’re too sweet.”
And so it began. Zach and Aurora started doing some serious research on theories about these other worlds, general temporal physics, and what sorts of materials have mythical other worldly properties.. Zach settled on using silver from his grandmother’s favorite ring, as many myths said that silver was very powerful, and some brass from a really old doorhandle, as brass was said to protect mortals. Aurora looked into how their device would be powered. She also looked into what the device would look like. After a couple of days, it was ready. It was night when they decided to use it.
“Behold!” Zach shouted, holding up the small, pen-like device. Other than the few cords sticking out and the silver ring with a sapphire on it on top, it could pass for a regular black pen. “I call it–“
”WE call it the Interdimensional Pen of Doom!” Aurora interrupted. “We built it, remember?”
Zach smiled cheesily. “Heheh… yeah… sorry.” He took a closer look at the pen. “Why does it have to be of doom?”
“Because that sounds awesome, silly!”
“Yeah, it does. Well, here goes nothing.” With that, Zach clicked the pen on and drew a circle in midair. When the line had been connected, a bright yellow center appeared. Zach cautiously looked into it. “… nothing. Just… yellow.”
Aurora sighed. “I’m sorry, Zach. I thought it would work.”
Zach stuck his head in. “Yeah, it’s just yellow with a little bit of white. Like scrambled eggs, sort of.”
“… Really? How strange.”
Zach stuck more of him into the circle. His shoulders were in the ring now. “It’s kinda windy. And it sounds like the ocean. Pretty cool if you ask me.” He didn’t realize it, but he was being sucked in. “I wonder if it goes anywhere.” Aurora stood up in alarm. “Aurora, you want to– GAH!!!” Zach was all the way in.
“ZACH!” Aurora screamed. The ring was still there. “… don’t worry, buddy! I’m coming!” Aurora launched herself into the ring. Upon going all the way through, the circle of yellow shrank and disappeared.
Up was down and down was up. Were they going forwards or backwards? To the side, maybe? All they knew was that solid ground was nowhere near them. There was no sound aside from the sound of ocean waves. Zach tried yelling. Aurora tried screaming. Nothing. All they saw was the yellow and white area around them.
Until there was suddenly green.
Zach hit the ground hard, landing on his neck and rolling a bit before coming to a stop on his back. Aurora soon followed, but simply landed on her chest. It was a clear night in a meadow when they arrived. Zach recognized some simple constellations from home, but nothing else. He shakily tried to stand, but to no avail. He fell, but tried to get up again. This time, he got to one knee.
There really was nothing much around him. Grass, some dandelions, and a few trees were all he saw. When he finally got his footing, he rushed over to Aurora and helped her up.
“W-where are we?” she asked tenderly. “I’m scared!” She clung to him as she looked around. “I want to go home.”
Zach sighed. He was feeling a bit unsure of himself as well. In theory, this was an excellent idea. However, in practice, like many other things, not so much. “According to that book I read on this, we would be dumped where we came from.”
“So… this is your house, in our city, on our planet?” Aurora asked, clarifying everything.
“I… guess so.”
Aurora looked up at Zach, tears in her eyes. “Where’s your house, then?”
Zach shook his head. “I don’t know. Maybe we went through time, too.”
Aurora cried, “No! We couldn’t have! We just wanted to go somewhere else, not somewhen else!”
Zach lifted up her chin and wiped away her tears. “No crying now, hear me? Everything will be okay. Who knows? Maybe there’s a really nice person who’ll let us stay at their house.” Aurora smiled shakily and nodded. “That’s the spirit! Let’s go find that nice person.”
So, the two went to find a figurative person who may or may not exist. They figured that they would be best off to look away from the trees. They eventually found a road and a very fancy wrought iron gate not that far off. A big house (hopefully with a nice person in it) wouldn’t be too far off!
If you call ‘not too far off’ a half-mile uphill.
Eventually, the warm glow of a mansion reached their eyes. Upon seeing it, Aurora ran up to the building and started banging on the door. “Hello?” she shouted, “Anyone in there? Please, we got lost and we need a place to stay! Anywhere would be fine! A warm bed and some food would be highly appreciated!”
Zach pulled her from the door. “Aurora, knock it off! If we beg, they won’t do anything for us! We’ll just be left out here in the cold!”
Aurora broke from his grasp quite easily. “If we say nothing, they won’t do anything either!” She continued banging on the door. “Please, help us! We’ll scrub the floors with toothbrushes if need be!” Zach sighed. There really was no deterring her.
Eventually, the doors opened and out came a slender woman in her 40’s. “May I help you two?” the woman asked. She had brown hair that looked like
Aurora nodded, “Yes, we got lost and need a place to stay.”
The woman laughed. “Well, then, come inside! You two must be hungry.”
“Indeed!” Aurora replied. After sticking her tongue out at Zach in triumph, she rushed in, but Zach walked rather slowly. He absorbed the interior of the beautiful mansion. There was a marble floor and a lot of silver decorations. Throughout the house, the haunting sound of a piano echoed. The brown-haired woman who welcomed them led the two up a marble staircase to a pair of guest bedrooms. Zach settled into his room and found plenty of reading material. Most of it was on music, but it was reading material nonetheless. Eventually, the woman came back with a bowl of rice, chicken, peas, and carrots.
“Thank you, ma’am,” Zach said, “Not only for the food, but for you letting us stay in your house unannounced.”
The woman laughed. “Oh, please, call me Alice! Ma’am makes me feel old. And this isn’t my house.”
Zach was puzzled. “It’s not?”
“No, it’s my eldest son’s house. He’s a famous pianist.”
“Really? Then that must be him playing piano that I hear.”
“Yeah, he’s amazing.”
Zach took the fork he had been provided and plowed into the food. “Mmm…”
Alice laughed. “You remind me of his little brother. He could never wait for food.”
Zach coughed. “It’s really good. Thank you.” Alice smiled, then started to leave, but stopped when she heard Zach ask, “By the way, what’s your eldest son’s name?”
Alice turned and replied, “His name is Alex.” As Zach puzzled over this information, she left. She obviously wasn’t his mother, so the likelihood of this being the same Alex was slim. After devouring his supper, Zach curled up and fell asleep to the sweet sound of piano.
STATS: 1% request rate
LateInTheGame says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your query. Unfortunately, I am not the best representative for your work.
Good luck in your search for representation.
All the best,
Agent LateInTheGame
Anonymous says
Dear Author,
Thank you for the submission, but I regret to inform you that I will not be picking up your story.
Keep Writing,
Agent Jackie Moon
Anonymous says
Dear author,
I appreciate your query and found your concept interesting; however, it is just not what I am looking for. I look forward to future queries from you!
Thank you, Scarlett Cyrus
Anonymous says
Dear Author,
I have decided not to take up your offer on publishing this book. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to view your material.
Thank You,
Happy Gilmore
Reba says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your query. Unfortunately, it is not the right fit for me.
Best,
Reba
(Note: You may wish to explain more about the story in the query letter, and check the submission guidelines. Some agents don’t take well to unsolicited pieces of your manuscript. Good luck!)
Meggrs says
Kindly worded form rejection.
Kate H says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your query. I’m afraid I’m not the right agent to represent you, but I wish you the best of luck.
Kate H
s.koncilja says
Dear Author,
I received and read your query. Unfortunately it is not something that I’m looking for at the moment.
Keep me informed about your future work and good luck!
Agent S.K.
superwench83 says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, your manuscript isn’t right for me. Best wishes in your search for an agent.
Sincerely,
Agent for a Day
publishingcareer says
Dear Author
Thank you for your interest in our agency and submitting your query for your novel The End of the Worlds.
I read it with interest but unfortunately it is not what I am looking for.
Best of luck and kind regards.
Yours faithfully
Robert Sullivan AFAD
Melissa says
Form rejection:
Dear Author,
Thank you for your query. Unfortunately it doesn’t meet my needs at this time.
Thank you and best of luck,
Melissa (Ximera)
PCB says
Dear Author,
Thank you for submitting your query. We are not in a position to represent you at this time, but wish you all the very best in your writing endeavors.
Sincerely,
PCB
Nikki Hensley says
Dear Author:
Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, I don’t think I am the right agent for this novel. Best of luck in your search!
Agent Nikki
vicariousrising says
Thank you for your submission. I regret that I don’t feel this project isn’t right for me.
I wish you the best in your writing endeavors.
Kendra says
Dear Author,
Thank you for submitting your work. Unfortunately, this is not a project I feel I can sucessfully represent. It starts out way too slow for my taste. Good luck in your writing.
Kendra
Agent FaD Jen says
Dear Author,
Thank you for the query. Unfortunately, I am going to have to pass. Good luck,
Agent FaD Jen
Hildegarde512 says
Thank you for submitting however [If I were a real agent, a GENTLE FORM REJECTION would exist here].
Heather says
Dear Author,
Thank you very much for taking the time to query our agency. I have given your project thoughtful consideration; unfortunately, it is not a good fit for us at this time because, although the project is well conceived and well written and another agent might be able to sell it, I do not believe that I would be the best agent to make this sale.
Sincerely,
Heather
genkischuldich says
Dear Author,
Thank you for submitting your query to us. However, we regret to inform you that we are unable to accept you as a client at this point in time.
This query needs a lot more detail for me. Tell us more about Zach and his conflicts.
Thank you for thinking of us.
“Genki”
Rik says
Thank you for submitting your book – The End of the Worlds – for my consideration. Regrettably, I do not feel that I am able to represent this work for you. Best wishes for your future endeavours. Agent Rik.
abouttothunder says
Dear Author,
Thank you for the opportunity to represent your work. Unfortunately, it isn’t a good fit for me. Since you deserve an agent who will fully support you project, I will have to pass.
I wish you the best of luck in finding representation.
Sincerely,
Agent-for-a-day Sara
Martin Willoughby says
(form rejection)
GuyStewart/DISCOVERCHURCH says
Dear Author:
Thank you for your query, but I’m going to have to pass. I do not feel strongly enough about your story to represent it well.
Sincerely, Guy Stewart
Anonymous says
Dear Author,
Thank you for considering me. Unfortunately I have to pass.
Best of Luck!
Agent X-9
SuzieQ Agent4U says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your query. Unfortunately, I do not feel your book is right for me. Good luck with your search.
Best,
S
AndrewDugas says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your query, but I do not believe I would be the best advocate for your novel. I wish you luck in finding representation elsewhere.
Sincerely,
Andy
============================
The writing sample was clean, but not much happening to pull me in.
Julie says
Dear Author,
Although I find your premise intriguing, I do not think I would be the best advocate for this book. Best of luck and please feel free to query me with future projects.
Best regards,
FakeAgent
Madhat says
Dear Author:
I’m going to have to pass.
-Agent
Why: It didn’t draw me in. The character is 25, but the sample pages read like YA or MG. The word count is YA or MG, too. Plus, it opens with the character waking up.
Dawn says
Dear Author,
Thank you for contacting Dawn Ink.
Unfortunately, The End of the Worlds is not what we’re looking for right now.
Best of luck in finding representation.
Sincerely,
Dawn
Anonymous says
Dear Author,
Thank you for taking the time to submit your query to me.
At this moment in time, however, I choose to pass on your project. This does not automatically mean your query isn’t good enough. It simply means that I am not the right agent for this project. This can be for a number of reasons.
If you would like to know why, you can send a reply to this mail. Please change the subject line to: FEEDBACK / THE END OF THE WORLDS / YOUR NAME.
I will respond to your request within two weeks.
Good luck with finding representation and keep on writing!
Kind regards,
Nicole34
Owl Sprite says
Dear Author,
Thank you so much for sending me your query for “The End of the Worlds.” Unfortunately, it doesn’t match my needs at this time.
Best wishes in your search for representation,
Owl Sprite
2readornot says
Thank you for including pages, but I’m afraid I wasn’t as intrigued as I need to be to take this on. Good luck!
Anahita says
Dear Author:
Thanks for sharing your query. Sorry I can’t represent your work. Good luck!
Anahita
PS I like your story and would read it if published.
Kathy says
Thank you for your query. I’m going to have to pass on this project.
Best of luck to you.
Sincerely,
Kathy
Diana says
Would like to know more about the plot and the worlds you have created.
That Girl says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your query. Unfortunately, I will have to pass at this time.
Best of luck,
That Agent Girl
Saint_Fool says
Dear Author:
Thank you for your query. Unfortunately, I do not feel that your story is the right fit for me.
Best of luck.
Saint_Fool
Saint_Fool says
Dear Author:
Thank you for your query. Unfortunately, I do not feel that your story is the right fit for me.
Best of luck.
Saint_Fool
Enusan says
Thank you for your query. Unfortunately, the fantasy genre is extremely cramped, and your partial does not stand out enough from the pack for me to offer representation.
R. Markiam says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your query letter and for thinking of me for representation of The End of the Worlds. While your novel sounds intriguing, I’m sorry to say I won’t be able to pursue it further with you. I wish you all the best in securing other representation.
Regards,
R. Markiam
Livia says
Thank you for your query, but it is not a good fit for me. Best wishes.
Livia
Sara J. Henry says
Vaguely encouraging rejection[Reasons: Various, but just doesn’t excite me]
ludwig snarf says
i regret that we cannot help you
Laura Martone says
Dear Author:
Thank you for submitting your query for consideration. I appreciate the time, energy, and passion that it required to complete “The End of the Worlds”.
Unfortunately, given the thousands of queries that I receive annually, I can only request a small percentage of manuscripts for possible representation. While I find the subject matter of your novel intriguing, it does not meet my editorial needs at this time.
I am grateful for the opportunity to consider your work and wish you much luck in your future endeavors.
Sincerely,
Laura Martone
Linta says
Dear Author
Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately I’m not the right agent for you. Best of luck in finding your novel a home.
Regards
Agent for a day
[reasoning: the writing feels too clunky for me.]
chris says
Thank you for your query, but your project isn’t right for us at this time. Best of luck in your endeavors.