Comments on Nathan Bransford - Literary Agent: Breezing Through Voicemail

In the investment biz we're required to include at...

2009-07-02T18:29:17.226-07:00

In the investment biz we're required to include at the end of our vm blurb "Do not to leave any trade requests on this voicemail as any such orders will not be executed". Period. Haven't got a trade request via vm yet in 10+ years. Perhaps you can do something similar?

"Please do not leave any query or general info requests on this vm as all such requests will be duly ignored, and then we will all point and laugh in your general direction, you silly wee amateur you."

I'm with Mary and Amy on this one (i.e., people ju...

2009-07-02T13:02:48.139-07:00

I'm with Mary and Amy on this one (i.e., people just wait for the beep and tune out the message; there's no cure for stupid). The only answer may be to resort to shock treatment. (No, not the electric kind, although that may seem desirable at moments of extreme frustration.)

Maybe record your brief intro followed by something unexpected like a doorbell sound. Then after you have their attention say, "After the beep you may leave a message for Nathan Bransford only if you are NOT looking for agent representation or wanting questions answered. Those are dealt with on our website, Curtisbrown.com, and such calls will not be returned."

Unlike Amy, however, I wouldn't spell it out. If they don't know your agency name they haven't done their homework and don't deserve you!

Carol

I laughed when I read this. It's nice to know I'm ...

2009-07-01T22:23:08.881-07:00

I laughed when I read this. It's nice to know I'm not professional plagued by stupid people.

My solution is simple, Leave the message but add the following: "Unfortunately, due to ever increasing schedule demands I am unable to return voicemails. Should you need immediate assistance please visit us at our website Curtisbrown.com."

Here's the sad part, you will actually need to spell out Curtisbrown.com.
You'll hear this on the line if you fail to do as suggested. "K-i-r-t, no wait. um.. C-e-r-t. No, that's cert." brief pause followed by lunatic screaming and an apoplexy. Sometime you can't cure stupid.

Nathan, I certainly hope your voicemail works, fo...

2009-07-01T12:58:38.307-07:00

Nathan,
I certainly hope your voicemail works, for your sanity and for all of us writers who follow the rules and DO NOT CALL AGENTS BY PHONE! For all the queries, partial and full ms I've sent out, spending money on postage, envelopes, etc. It would suck to hear that writers are NOW getting an agent by leaving a vm (lol)!!! Happy 4th and thanks for your informative yet humorous posts!

D. Frazier
BKLYN, NY

I love your blog Nathan but this isn't that tough....

2009-07-01T09:46:21.932-07:00

I love your blog Nathan but this isn't that tough. Just follow Christopher M. Park's advice:

"On account of the high volume of submissions we receive, we (I) cannot discuss unsolicited submissions via phone. Please visit our website, curtisbrown.com, and follow the submission guidelines."

And maybe add something like:

"If this is an unsolicited submission your call will not be returned."

Good luck.

Holy crap, lighten up, Nathan. Just take the darn...

2009-07-01T05:46:42.308-07:00

Holy crap, lighten up, Nathan. Just take the darn phone calls. Don't you know that it's rude to not return people's phone calls?

After all, how long could it take per day to return these calls? An hour? Cowboy up, Nathan.

After all, I got my agent by cold calling him with a pitch.*

*Not a true statement.

The answer is to get someone else to answer your p...

2009-07-01T00:40:44.548-07:00

The answer is to get someone else to answer your phone and deal with general message.

This person politely directs caller to website which has 'full' information, so much better than speaking to minion who (and this must be made clear) doesn't know anything. It is important that minion works hard on spiel to market the wisdom and benefits of going to website (obviously it is in minions best interest to do so).

I know about this because I am a minion in an office where people constantly ring up for information that is available in detail on the website. As a minion I have nothing to add; a measure of dumb sincerity and a eager desire to help usually convince quite painlessly and once people are trained....

I think if someone is truly committed to becoming ...

2009-06-30T12:47:22.599-07:00

I think if someone is truly committed to becoming a professional author, they would actively and consciously make the effort to listen and learn. Its amazing how many people don't. Of course, the ones that don't are almost impossible to stop.

Hey, Steph. Oh, I'm totally with you. I much pref...

2009-06-30T12:09:27.199-07:00

Hey, Steph.

Oh, I'm totally with you. I much prefer email (or face-to-face) to phone calls. I've never liked the phone - even when I was a teenager. :-)

I didn't mean any offense yesteday. I agree with you that cold-calling an agent seems like it would just annoy the potential agent - I'd never think to do it either. Guess I just couldn't believe that anyone would be surprised by such nervy behavior in the publishing world. There are always people who wholeheartedly think that rules do not apply to them - that when a website says "Do NOT call - email and snail mail queries ONLY," they say, "Oh, they must mean everybody else. And if everybody else sends emails and letters, won't I stand out for calling?"

Also, to be fair, some of those who call an agent probably do so because they haven't read all the guidelines - or they're of an "old school" mindset where calling is still more professional and immediate than emailing. Not an excuse, mind you, just a reason for why they do what they do. I mean, according to Marilyn, J.K. Rowling doesn't even have an email address. Wait, that can't be right!

--Laura

Guard your mobile number for clients, coworkers, f...

2009-06-30T11:24:41.777-07:00

Guard your mobile number for clients, coworkers, friends and family.

Don't answer the other phone; just screen messages.

Unless it's me calling. From Boulder. Looking for representation...

Who calls an agent personally? That's so psycho. E...

2009-06-30T11:02:07.966-07:00

Who calls an agent personally? That's so psycho. Either have a dedicated number forward to CB's home office, or cancel the number altogether and only share your personal number with those you want to call you.

Short of that, thank them for calling and say you do not accept voice mails about business and refer them to the website where, if need be, they can access you via email. Unfortunately there will always be those who think they need to be aggressive to get their career going, so don't expect miracles.

I am off of work and it is so fun to be wicked tha...

2009-06-30T10:54:13.920-07:00

I am off of work and it is so fun to be wicked that I have more suggestions for you!

Use one of those automated systems that take you through menu after menu after menu of options until the caller is so fed up that s/he hangs up.

Embed subliminal messages in your voicemail prompt that make people feel very cautious about leaving you messages...music in the background playing "The Fool on the Hill," a backwards recording of John Lenon saying, "Your query is dead."

Get my pomeranian to bark for your message and no one will ever call you.

=D

oops...Definitely! :) Hope you find a resolution, ...

2009-06-30T09:40:59.243-07:00

oops...Definitely! :) Hope you find a resolution, Nathan.

Yeah, I never heard of anyone calling to query an ...

2009-06-30T09:37:42.715-07:00

Yeah, I never heard of anyone calling to query an agent. Everyone knows that agents all have certain requirements regarding queries. I never heard of one who invites phone queries.

Definetely mention "If you are inquiring about queries or submissions I do NOT accept phone queries. Please visit CurtisBrown.com for mor info."

Hey Laura, I guess I was surprised because it nev...

2009-06-30T09:23:14.217-07:00

Hey Laura,

I guess I was surprised because it never occurred to me to cold call an agent. It doesn't seem like you'd accomplish much, except annoy the potential agent. Maybe that's just me. I'm more of an e-mail kinda gal anyway. If I can avoid the phone, I will!

Steph

Ink. I hear you. I really do. But hypothetical ...

2009-06-30T09:22:33.287-07:00

Ink. I hear you. I really do. But hypothetical people need to eat lunch too.

Mira, Hypothetical people are scary. Just sayin'....

2009-06-30T09:12:51.410-07:00

Mira,

Hypothetical people are scary. Just sayin'.

:)

Hey Nathan, I know you don't want people to leave ...

2009-06-30T09:07:35.668-07:00

Hey Nathan, I know you don't want people to leave messages about queries, but how would you feel about people who just called to chat?

You know, maybe a regular poster on the blog. Someone who might want to talk about.....the weather (hot!) or maybe.......lunch.

No one in particular, of course, just a hypothetical question. Although perhaps a hypothetical someone who noticed they do not have your phone number.

Say in your voicemail that you will not offer repr...

2009-06-30T09:01:19.194-07:00

Say in your voicemail that you will not offer representation to anybody who has not memorized the entire CB website and can recite it backwards. In Swahili.

Yes, I think you're preaching to the choir here, b...

2009-06-30T08:10:59.573-07:00

Yes, I think you're preaching to the choir here, but it's always good to complain! Liana has a great suggestion... unlisted number maybe? Haha. :D

You could always say, "Attention, Attention... Na...

2009-06-30T08:03:12.910-07:00

You could always say, "Attention, Attention...

Nathan, sad to say,it isn't going to matter what you say, there will always be those that won't listen or do what you say. They're convinced if they can just speak with you magic will happen...

Add the following to your voicemail: Calls to qu...

2009-06-30T07:59:19.268-07:00

Add the following to your voicemail:

Calls to query me will not be returned. I must save my limited phone time for my writers. If you'd like to become one of my writers, please go to my website and follow the directions....Thank you and have a nice day!

I don't have any suggestions for you, alas. Some p...

2009-06-30T06:59:11.815-07:00

I don't have any suggestions for you, alas. Some people just won't listen, no matter how many times you tell them something.

But that's a fantastic idea for a voicemail message. I'm totally going to paraphrase on mine:

"Hi, you've reached blah blah blah message thank you."

It's not complaining. You're simply stating a fact...

2009-06-30T06:49:49.702-07:00

It's not complaining. You're simply stating a fact.

Can you start your vm greeting with: "Please liste...

2009-06-30T06:44:41.874-07:00

Can you start your vm greeting with: "Please listen to this entire message..." and then state that you do not/will not accept queries (or requests for representation) over the phone.

Does your vm system have a "vacation" outgoing message option? This makes it so the caller MUST listen to the entire outgoing message and can't hit # or 0 to skip it. May be worth a try.