Comments on Nathan Bransford - Literary Agent: Anatomy of a Really Bad Query Letter

Good...er, I mean bad...but in a good way. Here's ...

2010-02-16T05:26:28.443-08:00

Good...er, I mean bad...but in a good way. Here's my take at an atrocious query letter:

Dear Literary Agent:

What would happen if Frodo Baggins was inspired by the Eat This Not That series of books? You would have my debut novel, LORD OF THE RING DINGS, an ambitious fusion of the Fantasy-Adventure genre with a Healthy Diet book!

It all begins when the Evil Sourbun bakes up a host of evil delights to fatten his enemies to the point where they are incapable of defending themselves. Now, Middle Girth stands helpless before the lumbering armies of Morebun as they sing:

Three Cupcakes for the Fairy Pigs in their sty,
Seven Twinkies for the Couch-Potatoes lazy to the bone,
Nine Devil Dogs for Junkfood Junkies doomed to die,
One Ring Ding for the Beefy Lord on his beefy throne
In the Land of Lardor where tasty cakes lie.

What about plastering my letter with scratch and s...

2008-08-25T10:24:16.110-07:00

What about plastering my letter with scratch and sniff stickers and including a couple benjamins in the envelope to help get the ball rolling?

I think I'm doing this query letter thing all wrong...

I read this three times just to make sure I'd not ...

2007-07-31T03:33:29.139-07:00

I read this three times just to make sure I'd not missed any bits while I'd been laughing out loud as i read. Thanks for the advice, I'll bear it in mind next time I write a query letter.

Okay, here it goes:Dear Ms. Brainsford, My fam...

2007-02-19T14:51:44.996-08:00

Okay, here it goes:

Dear Ms. Brainsford,

My family loves my book! They say I should try and get it published. They are really nice people, you should meet them sometime.

My story is about a vampire that not only drinks people's blood, but decaptiates them. It's really cool and way, way better than any vampire book ever written!

I had an agent who was my brother's friend's cousin tell me that my book had promise and she should know, she's an agent.

My book is 200,000 words and took me a whole three months to complete. I worked really hard. Don't believe me, ask my husband!

I will be sending the full shortly. Thank you for your time.

-Writer

That was fun! I liked writing that better than a real query.

Haven't had the chance to query an agent yet becau...

2007-02-16T08:17:13.952-08:00

Haven't had the chance to query an agent yet because well, I have yet to finish a novel.

I'm learning a lot from your blog though.

Nathan, you forgot to include half a pound of pink...

2007-02-15T12:18:19.628-08:00

Nathan, you forgot to include half a pound of pink glitter in your query letter.

Agents love that, I hear.

Thank you, Nathan. I needed a laugh tonight. You g...

2007-02-13T20:37:47.929-08:00

Thank you, Nathan.
I needed a laugh tonight. You gave me a few.

The query letter forgot to mention the sparkly sticker you got in the third grade for your stellar adaptation of the Three Little Pigs, which you titled Zombie Bacon.

Or that one of your pomes got you to third base in high school...

Or some equally irrelevant award/achievement.

Dear Guy, you didn't mention your publishing credi...

2007-02-13T03:17:37.146-08:00

Dear Guy, you didn't mention your publishing credits: the story prize in Grade Seven or the letter to the editor in Grade Ten.

Trust me, there are smells worse than old cigarett...

2007-02-12T21:25:37.623-08:00

Trust me, there are smells worse than old cigarettes. Ask any hotel housekeeper who has been knocked backwards by the smell of a guest's room. They would rather go into a smoker's room than one with bad breath who sleeps with his mouth open.
Reading your query was pretty funny and makes me feel so much better about mine.

That was funny...especially the miss snark part......

2007-02-12T19:46:34.604-08:00

That was funny...especially the miss snark part...I hate when I do that, but you can only drink so much coffee in an ten hour query letter session without getting staples in you stomach or stomach staples or run on sentences ahhhhhh!!!!!! or too much or not enough punctuation?

-Mikey
http://terracottapress.blogspot.com/

Okay. I'm slinking off into a corner to grind my ...

2007-02-12T19:11:45.215-08:00

Okay. I'm slinking off into a corner to grind my teeth, since I've used the rhetorical question. *gnash gnash*.
Does that new author smell wear off? Or does the stale cigarette smell kill it?

A paperback writer-I don't think the cloning Jesus...

2007-02-12T18:58:30.600-08:00

A paperback writer-

I don't think the cloning Jesus plotline has made its way into a published book that I know of, but I've received quite a few queries with this plot -- can't explain it.

The global warming inspired post-environmental-apocalypse is the only plotline that is similarly common, but at least that has given us Oryx & Crake.

Geez, what is it with this Jesus' DNA thing? Othe...

2007-02-12T16:08:23.220-08:00

Geez, what is it with this Jesus' DNA thing? Other than DaVinci Code, which didn't even claim the DNA, what book has it? This is the second agent blog where I've seen complaints about it.
I might just have to write something entitled Harry Potter and Indiana Jones in the Time Machine of Doom to settle for myself just where the heck one gets Jesus' DNA.
Brian_Ohio, sorry, dude. The Shroud of Turin is one of the West's earliest tourist scams. You could get DNA, but it wouldn't be Jesus'. (Hey wait -- unless the shroud belonged to one of his g-g-g-grandkids! Wow! A Plot twist!) Maybe this'll be a best seller!

Guilty of the 250,000 words, but I like long books...

2007-02-12T15:49:29.601-08:00

Guilty of the 250,000 words, but I like long books. Oh well, his rejection was kind.

And, this is one good blog.

Hold on! You forgot to describe your book as a 250...

2007-02-12T15:42:55.573-08:00

Hold on! You forgot to describe your book as a 250,000-word fiction novel and the beginning of a million-word, three-book trilogy.

And I would say something snappy about title comparisons, but the instant you mention Eragon I point and laugh. I can't improve on that.

Thanks for this blog. Wildly funny and wildly helpful - you gotta love that.

Please tell me your letter was typed in wingdings,...

2007-02-12T15:08:46.176-08:00

Please tell me your letter was typed in wingdings, with three spaces after each period, and an oily smear at the bottom from where your Nutter Butter crumbs dribbled out of your mouth while you licked the envelope. And I've heard it helps if the smell of Jade East permeates the room when you open the envelope too. A small black hair tumbling onto the agent's desk (a la Clarence Thomas) often seals the deal.
Why yes, I am unagented. Why do you ask?

scary word ver: xdxdull

There was a bad query letter thread over at Absolu...

2007-02-12T14:53:53.553-08:00

There was a bad query letter thread over at Absolute Write you'd probably get a kick out of. We wrote some real stinkers.

The 'new author smell' thing had me rolling. Thanks.

Ah Nathan, you get wittier with encouragement! LOL...

2007-02-12T14:44:53.168-08:00

Ah Nathan, you get wittier with encouragement! LOL, as they say.

Another one you might like to add to the Query Let...

2007-02-12T12:31:48.071-08:00

Another one you might like to add to the Query Letter Of Death:

"I can't explain my novel fully in writing, so I'll call you at 9:15 AM sharp on Friday the 13th. Please be sure to wait by the phone, because my parole officer ..."

Sounds like we should just skip this whole query l...

2007-02-12T12:06:45.662-08:00

Sounds like we should just skip this whole query letter thing and just call you instead.

Me-I'm afraid I already own Duck Tales on DVD and ...

2007-02-12T12:06:21.471-08:00

Me-

I'm afraid I already own Duck Tales on DVD and that is probably the only Disney DVD I would read a partial for.

I really shouldn't be admitting these things in public. At least no one is on the Internet.

This was hilarious.But you forgot to mention that ...

2007-02-12T12:03:01.605-08:00

This was hilarious.

But you forgot to mention that you sell used cars, and your antagonist is a brain surgeon, so you have lots in common with him. You're really able to get into his head and make him real.

What about using a tagline, like The Matrix meets Ren and Stimpy? Do you want to see those or not?

Love this blog. Thanks for all the info.

If free noodles were involved I probably would hav...

2007-02-12T11:47:20.464-08:00

If free noodles were involved I probably would have requested at least a partial.

Oh, I see... It's all about bribes. THAT'S where I was going wrong.

How about a Disney DVD? I own them all. I think I may be able to part with one. Would that get me a partial read? :)

Bernard-I just ran a Word count on the query that ...

2007-02-12T11:42:48.591-08:00

Bernard-

I just ran a Word count on the query that I used as an example of a good query in an earlier post and it's 241 words, so yes, I think 250 is a very good ballpark.

Do you prefer the 250 word query/hook length?

2007-02-12T11:39:27.772-08:00

Do you prefer the 250 word query/hook length?