Nathan Bransford, Author


Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Nine Circles of Writing Hell

El Coloso by Francisco de Goya
With apologies to Dante Alighieri...

We have all probably started ill-fated novels that, shall we say, did not go where we wanted them to go. For one reason or another, either our will or our preparation or the idea failed us, and sure enough, they ended up in novel hell.

Based on the Nine Circles of Hell in Dante's Divine Comedy, here are the nine circles of writing hell.

Save your novel from these sins, my fellow writers! Repent before it is too late!

First Circle - Limbo

Hello shiny idea for a novel! Should I write you? Should I not write you? Maybe I'll write a few pages and see how you go. Should I... oohhh Farmville.

Second Circle - Lust

Novel, you are so brilliant, you shine like a beautiful bright beacon, nay, like filigree sparkling in the darkest of unlit nights. Everything you do is wonderful, to change but one of your words would be a sin unto mankind. Whatever you want novel, whether it's second person stream of consciousness or an illogical plot twist or overwrought prose that makes people blush, you can have it, please take it, it's yours. I LOVE YOU, NOVEL.

Third Circle - Gluttony

No time to eat. No time to work. No time for breaks. No time to attend to essential hygiene. Twenty-six-hours straight. MUST. WRITE. NOVEL. I. WILL. NOT. BURN. OUT.

Okay, I'm starting to get burned out...

Fourth Circle - Greed

Dude, Stephenie Meyer wrote that vampire book in like six weeks or something and now she's a gagillionaire. How hard can it be?!

Fifth Circle - Anger

I hate agents, I hate query letters, I hate rejection letters, I hate editors, I hate published authors, I hate unpublished authors, I hate periods, I hate exclamation points, I hate semi-colons, I hate paper, I hate words, I hate the space between words, and most of all, I HATE THIS FREAKING NOVEL!!!

Sixth Circle - Heresy

You know what novel I don't like? The Great Gatsby. I mean, what's the big deal?! Green lights and drunks and parties and blah blah blah? What a bunch of trash. I threw that book across the room. That Scott person needs to get a clue, I can't believe anyone published him. And DON'T GET ME STARTED on how much editing he needed.

Seventh Circle - Violence

Oh, you think you're reeeeallll clever, don't you, Manuscript. You think you're smart and witty and amazing and your characters are funny and you're going to make people cry. Well, how about I introduce you to my friend MR. SHREDDER!!! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha.....

Eighth Circle - Fraud

Oprah won't REALLY care if I make up this memoir...

Ninth Circle - Treachery

This novel doesn't need revisions. I don't need to write a good query letter. Who needs to take the time to research agents? This novel is gold, baby, gold!!

What could possibly go wrong?






93 comments:

Deni Krueger said...

So...ummm...did Dante happen to offer redemption in the form of:

10.) Stick in it the drawer. Lock. Throw away key.

Terri Tiffany said...

LOL Loved this post but sadly I've been to most of those places:(( Trying hard not to with this novel.

lexcade said...

how true is that... i'm trapped in circles 1, 6, and 7 (one for each project i'm "working on"). fun times had by all.

Donna G. Cooper said...

I'm pretty sure, with the exception of Violence, I've been through every circle of hell....Somehow I can't stand to shred scraped novels or pages. They sit in a box in my spare bedroom...creating a fire hazard no doubt.

C said...

You're brilliant, and I love you and I want your babies.
Serious.

Janalyn Voigt said...

Thanks for this post. It's great to start the day with a laugh at myself!

Leah Petersen said...

So not a traditional ninth's circle but I'd add infidelity.

Oh, hello shiny new idea. Want to go to the laptop with me tonight? The WIP doesn't have to know. We need a little break from each other. Time alone is healthy for a relationship. I'll just write a little of you, shiny new idea. We both know this isn't serious. Just a little fun.

Holy... that's not really 5k words, is it? But the WIP... But THIS!

Raj said...

LOL..Brilliant. Been through 1,2 and 4. And hoping never to go through some others. The gold, baby line reminded me of Jerry Seinfeld and Kenny Bania, "It's gold, Jerry! Gold!" :D

Tracy said...

You had me at ... oh Farmville!

The 8th Circle was just the icing on the cake.

Bryan Russell (Ink) said...

I'm etching the current manuscript on plates of solid gold. Just to be sure.

Dana Rose Bailey said...

Hysterical... and sadly true.

traceybaptiste said...

Um, fabulous. Really.

Porter Anderson said...

Don't stop there, Nathan. Let's get right on to Savonarola's INFELIX EGO, or "Alas, wretch that I am," 1498.

What WAS in the water in Florence?

Ike said...

Wow, I remember a variation of these days at age fourteen probably up to eighteen. This is why we plan our writing. Fantastic humor, though.

Kristi Helvig said...

You make hell sound fun--these are awesome (and true). :)

Nate Wilson said...

It appears my circles have formed into a hellish Venn diagram from which my novels can never hope to escape. That's not good, right?

Rachel Morgan said...

So. Freakin'. FUNNY!

Roberta Walker said...

This could be a pie chart for me! Seriously, a good laugh after a(nother) rejection letter start to the day.

AngelB35 said...

I hang out in the fifth level a LOT...

Mike Koch said...

Hmm, circles of hell. I like it, but I'm going to squash them all into tiny squares and use them as foundations for my next book. Thanks.

Daryl Sedore said...

Nathan:

A descriptive look at the ego and its various degrees of self-righteousness.

To understand this list and the places the human mind will take us on our internal journey through the written word onward can be as terrifying in its veracity.

Daryl

Carol Riggs said...

Informative as well as painfully obvious why you're a writer, Nathan! Good stuff. ;o) Have you started on a new novel, huh, huh?

See Elle Oh said...

Love, love, love this post! Hilarious and so true.

I feel like the Second Circle is really common for novice writers, especially poets. There's a tendency to believe things are perfect just as they pour out of you, and that revision is blasphemy. I know I've been there.

Chuck H. said...

Been there, done that . . . and that. . . and that . . . and that . . . and that . . . and that . . . and that . . . and that . . . wait wasn't there supposed to be a frozen lake around here somewhere?

Mister Fweem said...

The secret, I hear, is to have as many novels going as there are levels, so if you're stuck on one, you move to another.

Amanda Borenstadt said...

Oh, yes, I've visited the seventh many times! Bwa-ha-ha

Elaine AM Smith said...

OK I so I laughed out loud - I'm still not descending into the land of initialisation.

Ninth Circle - Treachery
I, the flowery novel, covered in clichés and bejewelled in adverbial everythings, know I need to be nip-tucked crisp and ironed out smooth but neither I (nor you mother) will tell you. HA!HA!HA!

WV: psyndio - HP/Voldemort spell for sending people into psychosis?
Got it! ;)

Sandra Ulbrich Almazan said...

What happened to the Circle of Despair?

Well, no wonder you got rejected, no-longer-shiny novel. Your plot stinks, your characters stink, and I couldn't write my way out of a paper bag with a sharp knife. I'll never be a published writer, so I might as well play Farmville all night.

Rebecca Nazar said...

Yupx9

khanes said...

I just think you are brilliant. That was great. I think I'm in the "anger" phase where I stopped sending out query letters. They all suck. Time to buy the Sell Your Novel Toolkit, I think!

Joann Buchanan said...

This was funny, and yet oh sooo true...he he he

I believe when I wrote the bones to I AM WOLF, I was sitting there thinking wow, it's finished!! Then my editor got ahold of it.. When he was finished, it was a bloody mess. I listened to him though, and it turned out to be a wonderful experience.

A Tale of Many Reviews said...

Great post and did illicit some giggles this morning. :D

Stephanie McGee said...

Oh my heavens! I needed this laugh today! Thank you!

My favorite would have to be "Heresy." I just didn't get that book. We read it in 11th grade English and it was my least favorite. (Followed closely by Huck Finn.)

Though I do love "Violence" because I used to shred copies of my manuscript after I'd finished editing those sections.

Matthew Rush said...

Geez Nathan! That was depressing. I kept hoping for some kind of happy ending there ...

Oh. It was the Nine Circles of Hell you say? Okay, I get it.

Really it was pretty hilarious. Next time you should do the 12 step program for getting published.

gabi said...

So funny, I laughed out loud!

Dante is fantasic and your interpretation... brilliant. "Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate" pretty much sums up the writing process perfectly.

I think Dante would be pleased to see his words being put to good use. Bravo!

lindsey lane said...

Hmmm...I wonder if Winston Churchill was channeling Dante when he wrote the following: "Writing a book is an adventure. To begin with, it is a toy and an amusement; then it becomes a mistress, and then it becomes a master, and then a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster, and fling him out to the public."

Hannah Jenny said...

lol!!

Mine has been stuck somewhere in Limbo for awhile--but my favorite stage is Gluttony. I'm planning to indulge in this over the holidays, oh sweet novel thou awaitest me patiently! (don't worry, my family will pull me away to eat and interact with them)

arlenewritesromance said...

Another great post. I laughed ... I cried ... I saw myself running through the stages with my current WIP.

Kristi said...

Fifth circle here. Angry and bitter.

Sharideth Smith said...

i'll give you an uh huh, a yep and a pretty much for good measure.

Sheila Lamb said...

With @Deni - the tenth circle of being shoved in a dark cabinet. It's resting until the tempestuous circles of writing hell have calmed.

Anne R. Allen said...

So funny and true. I bask in your brilliance.

Ishta Mercurio said...

LOL!!!

Awesomeness. This post is pure awesomeness.

Julia Rachel Barrett said...

Pretty hilarious! Thank you! I passed through these stages long ago - now I'm much more philosophic, %#@&^%@!

raine said...

This is priceless, lol. :D

D.G. Hudson said...

There are many kinds of hell. Sometimes we let ourselves fall into one of those 9 levels through lack of passion and commitment. Have confidence in your idea, but listen to the revision angels.

To remove yourself from any of those levels, simply impose discipline and get an enforcer (Ideal reader, crit group,or spouse) to ensure you write, write, and write some more. Then you must revise, shop the book around, etc.

Perhaps Nano is one of those hells? (you write until you drop or else) I'm just saying it could be.

Interesting post, Nathan, with thanks to Dante for stimulating your imagination.

Rebecca Stroud said...

There's only nine circles? Uh-oh...

Have a great Thanksgiving, Nathan.

Rane Anderson said...

LMAO!
Very clever.

Ada said...

I love this post so much. I was about to go all #7 on my manuscript.

Does this mean all writers are crazy people?

Diana said...

LOL

I can't wait to see what you come up with for purgatory. :)

Anonymous said...

Know what? I will continue to have my net novel in my blogspot for some people to copy and print. It's more EXPENSIVE that way. They have to buy INK and bond paper from the store and they will have to learn Math. By the time they printed my stories each "copier" is spending at least $50.00 for the ink and $6.00 for the paper.Then they can copy and print again another novel for their own perusal and eureka they will have to spend more than that for ink and bond paper. Who is gaining here you tell me? The INK store of course. Now where can we dump the snow?

The Red Angel said...

Perfect description of what writing a novel is like. Very clever, Nathan! :)

~TRA

http://xtheredangelx.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Nine circles of writing hell. Might there be a writing purgatory as well? Why not a writing heaven, where epiphanies about writing's many impermeable membranes are ascendent?

Steppe said...

I'm looking at my first big story as a training novel; therefore it must be finished no matter how absurd. I'll do anything to finish including burn in hell. I just like to finish stuff and learn whatever lessons must be learned. It's all good even writer's hell. You gotta have skin in the game to relate to other peoples thoughts and struggles.

Janiel Miller said...

Hahahaha! Excellent. This explains a lot.

Janiel Miller said...

How 'bout the tenth circle being "Making a Typographical Error in your Comment Identity thereby taking people to the wrong and slightly strange blog."?

Mira said...

Ha! Clever, Nathan. :) I'm realizing that changing this from a work blog to a personal blog will give you more opportunities to stretch your writing chops. Yay!

For me, I skip all the rest and start at Hell level number 9, and I do this without having written the novel. I don't mean to be immodest, but I'm very efficient when it comes to descending levels. It's a sort of gift.

Thanks for the post, Nathan.

toni said...

hahaha so tragic, and so true. XD

scotthanley said...

You seem to have had this experience! I know I have...

fakesteph said...

Heresy indeed!

Nancy said...

After reading this, I think my first NaNoWriMo pep talk next will be titled, "Abandon hope, all ye who enter here." It might not be the best way to raise morale among the troops, but at least it would be honest.

Other Lisa said...

Okay, so where's the Circle of Hell where the novel tries to kill you? Because I've spent a lot of time in that one.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant . Take a bow , Nathan .

Kerrie T. said...

Oh, okay. I get it. There are NINE circles. That's why it's taking me so long...

Debbie Vaughan said...

I must be stuck in the fifth circle, except for the hating the manuscript part. It does help explain my free read, Query This Sucker! Memoirs of an Angry Author.

They do say write what you know...

Lillian Grant said...

Nathan, have you been spying on me?

I needed to laugh today and this really hit the spot. Not sure what circle I am languishing in at the moment. Nice to know it's not a circle reserved especially for me.

Liz said...

Hah, love this!

Sommer Leigh said...

I LOVE YOU NOVEL.

Kristin Laughtin said...

Only you can make damnation so hilarious.

So are we going to get versions of the Purgatorio and the Paradiso?

Julie Musil said...

Awesome! And some of these levels look strangely familiar.

Laura Pauling said...

I hit each of those levels with every ms I write. I don't think it's avoidable. :)

Carson Lee said...

"I hate the space between the words....Mwa ha ha ha ha" LOL

Kathryn Paterson said...

This is awesome. I was just commenting to someone yesterday that I was in the ninth stage of revision hell, so I feel your (our, everyone's?) pain.

How's the new job working out, by the way? Congrats again. :)

Nathan Bransford said...

kathryn-

Really good so far, thanks! I'm enjoying it a lot.

February Grace said...

*Standing Ovation*

And if you had any idea how hard it is for me to stand right now, you'd know how much I really loved that post.

~bru

heather said...

so i'm hovering in the most beautiful arc above the 5th and 7th circles, travelling back and forth between the two.

i love this post, nathan, really, but where are our precious pearls? you know, the ones you drop into our cyber laps that tell us what to do to get out of these circles?

(still love ya!)

~heather

Bethany said...

I laughed! How many of us have been in pretty much every level at one point or another?

It's just the sort of comraderie pick-me-up encouragement that we're not alone laugh we all need :-)

J.C. Martin said...

I agree with Leah: infidelity can be another sin! I'm currently spreading myself between three novels and a short story collection, but shh...don't tell any of them that!

wry wryter said...

Third Circle:
Opening scene, Romancing The Stone. Author finishes novel…tears, no tissues, no paper towels, no TP with which to wipe her tears, post-it works. Ah…the joy of finally finishing, what…you mean it’s supposed to be published.

Ms trite says:
From the loft of heaven, ideas come, and if into the fires of hell they descend…visit the purgatory of writers, isle one, Staples, multi-purpose, 20 lb, 500 sheets…START OVER.

maimoonamelange said...

Will you marry me, Nathan Bransford?

Loved the post. It left me in snitches. Love your blog, though it doesn't always leave me in snitches.

amy goldman koss said...

EEEK! You live in my head!
amy g koss

cgalucas said...

Very funny indeed... and oh-so-painfully true.
But seriously, The Great Gatsby is boring.

Anonymous said...

8. Become a literary agent.

This will guarantee traffic at your site.

People will read your blog, chiefly because they'll want to leave a sugary sweet comment so that you, the literary agent, will see their name and their face (and hopefully remember it fondly... when you reject their work). What these people fail to take into account, however, is that in all likelihood you'll be moving on to something else within a matter of months anyhow.

Becoming a literary agent is also a great way to get your novel published - so really it's a win win situation: you end up getting published, and you end up with a large following!

Keep it in mind, however, that every now and then some clever personage will see right through your ruse, and leave some class of antagonistic comment behind.

That's alright though because, having modeled your style on that of Sauron's, from The Lord of the Rings, you love any opportunity to act in a dictatorial fashion... and can simply delete that person's comment.

Happy Thanksgiving to Nathan and his family, and to all of my American friends south of the 49'th!

Nathan Bransford said...

anon-

Haha... wow. If only my life were actually that planned out. So much less stress.

And a Happy Thanksgiving to you too!

Marti said...

All so true!

Happy Thanksgiving, Nathan!

Marcia said...

Oh so funny. Oh so true. Would like to post this on my blog and/or link to it. www.writer-lee.blogspot.com Is that okay?
Marcia

Marjorie said...

That's why I do the marjorie-cartoons. They are quick one shot deals, and all the mistakes serve to make the work funnier.

My blog, marjorie-digest, has a new batch of poems... created from a unique concept. They are pithy and set in stone.

My attention span these days is too short to even attempt thinking about a book.

Nathan, since you are no longer a literary agent, check out my blogs and let me know what you think. I know you will love the marjorie-cartoons.

Jim Bessey said...

This is one of the funniest, yet scariest, pieces I've ever seen from you, Nathan.

Loved it, start to finish. Still laughing, two days later.

joannehuspek said...

Very humorous, and yes, I have experienced it all. Great post!

A.M Hudson said...

Oh boy, that was funny--because it's so freakin true!!! Even the Stephenie Meyer comment. I'm at the point now where I'm saying..."I hate publishers, and what the hell were they thinking when they published THAT?"

However, I happen to be smart too, so, I know that if they keep on rejecting, it must be me--not them. Hence, I am scrapping my under-appreciated novel, and starting a new one.

Then, when the new one is published, I'll sneak up on them with the first one!!! He he he!!!

Christina Strigas said...

That was great! So true, true, true of every writer who has attempted to write a book or has thought about it in his head (or her head).
Hilarious!

Herrin said...

Great list and all things authors are very much prone to.

Jodi Cox said...

You don't say how to get out of the ninth circle and get some where.

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