Nathan Bransford, Author


Monday, April 13, 2009

Be An Agent for a Day: Query #8

This query is part of the Be an Agent for a Day contest. Rules and Regulations here

Please post your rejection or manuscript request in the comment section!



Dear Agent for a Day,

I chose to submit to you because of your wonderful taste in fantasy, and because you keep such an updated and informative blog.

Zach is a young college student living in the kingdom of Azarath. But when the young man realizes that his life is really messed up, Zach finds himself jumping through worlds and trying to overthrow the mysterious Aderyn in his quest to find the perfect world.

'The End of the Worlds' is a 54,461 word long work of fantasy and this is my first novel.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Best wishes,
Author



The sun was just starting to rise when Zach woke up. It wasn’t exactly the most beautiful sunrise he had ever seen, though. In fact, the twenty-five-year-old was pretty certain that a featherless bird or a shaved cat was more breathtaking than this particular sunrise. The sky was cloudy and dismal and it had rained all that night and would probably continue to do so for all of today.

Zach yawned, stretched, then proceeded to go through his daily routine. He took off a sheet from his daily trivia calendar (it said something about who truly won the Great War), debated about shaving (he decided not to), brushed his teeth, and then got dressed. He then went downstairs to greet his friend and housemate, Aurora.

Aurora was a nice enough girl with tan skin, green eyes, and straight blonde hair. She was the cook in the house and was willing to experiment with just about anything. Needless to say, some of her favorite ingredients for omelettes were ostrich, porcupine, and, of course, gold fish. Zach trusted her not with his pet cat Mecca, a calico cat that enjoyed hiding under beds and other furniture. Or, in extreme circumstances, his lunch.

As Zach walked into the kitchen, a plate with a cheese and sweet onion omelette on it was passed into his hand, followed by a glass of milk. “Thanks,” he said, sitting at the table. Aurora soon sat across from him, tousling his dark hair.

“What’s the plan for today, Zach?” Aurora innocently asked. Zach turned away from her, realizing what day today was. “Are we going to the college library?”

Zach sighed. “You can. I’m not.”

Aurora cocked her head, showing off her small ears. “Why not?”

“You know why.”

Aurora gasped in false realization. “I know why!” Zach looked at her. “You melt in the rain!”

Zach laughed, his mood lightening slightly. “No, no, that’s my dad. I have a prior arrangement, remember?”

Aurora nodded, remembering for real. “Oh, right! You want me to come with?”

Zach shook his head. “No, it’s okay. You don’t have to.”

“You sure? You’re not all that good at planting flowers.”

“No, I’ve got it covered.” Zach paused, then continued. “What do you think, Aurora, daffodils or lilies?”

Aurora thought for a moment. “I think it should be daffodils. They last longer than lilies, don’t they?”

Zach nodded. “Thanks. I’ll get the gardening stuff and I’ll take the truck, ‘kay?”

Aurora nodded. “Take a coat and umbrella!” Zach nodded again, then grabbed the truck keys and gardening tools, then left to go to the florist.

Today was October 13th. It was also Zach’s older brother’s birthday. Aside from that, it was also the day his older brother had died. Every year, Zach went to pay his respects and just talk with his brother, Alex. A bunch of his friends said that it was really creepy, but Zach said he felt it made things just a bit better. Deep down, Zach felt that it was his own fault that Alex was dead, no matter what therapist said to him on the contrary.

The cemetery was quiet as the rain drizzled and a slight breeze whisked through. Zach held his umbrella in one hand and the daffodils in the other. He slowly made his way to the tombstone and knelt in front of it.. The inscription said the full name, Alexander Matthew Entineval, and his year of birth and death. There wasn’t anything else on the plain, gray stone. After some prayer, Zach uprooted the weeds and planted the daffodil bulbs in the ground.

“Hey, bro,” Zach said, after he was done. “How you doing?” Nothing happened. “Yeah, same here. You remember Aurora, right? She’s doing okay. I haven’t told her that those beads she left you and mom got stolen. It would break her heart.” Zach sat on the ground. “My studies on temporal physics are coming along great. I’ve almost got my doctorate! Isn’t that great, Alex? It’s just what I’ve always wanted.” There was a pause, then, “Alex, what would you do if you were alive? I know you were interested in law enforcement, but . . . ” Silence. “You know what would be great? If you were still alive.”

There was a sudden gust of wind that almost blew away Zach’s umbrella. The rain started to come down harder. On the wind, Zach thought he heard someone say, “Don’t even think about it.” Of course, he was still half asleep, so it could be his imagination.

Zach stood up and brushed himself off. “Alex, I think I’m going to do it. I think I’m going to protect you. Somehow.” Another gust of wind and more rain. “Think about it! I can not only protect you, but I can protect mom and get rid of dad! On top of that, we’ll know where mom stashed your Halloween candy that year!” The wind seemed to die down a bit, and Zach loosened his grip on the handle of his umbrella, but then another blast from the wind tore it from his hand. “Oh, you did that on purpose, didn’t you, big brother?” Zach laughed, not really caring that it was now raining cats and dogs. “I’ll figure it out. I’ll travel through time to protect you and mom and dad. I’ll be a hero... no... I’ll be a god! I’ll be beyond the physics of our world! All shall bow before the might of Zachary Entineval!” With that, Zach ran off toward the truck, while the storm raged on until it seemed to die out and went back to being a slight drizzle.

When Zach got back to his house, Aurora was sitting on the couch in the living room, reading a book on religion. She turned and gasped. “Oh, gods, Zach! What happened?” She ran upstairs and quickly came back with pajamas, quilt and a steaming cup of hot cocoa. Zach sighed and put on the pajamas, wrapped himself up in the blanket and sat down on the couch with the cocoa.

“I’m pretty sure my brother enjoys manipulating weather just to mess with my head.” Zach took a sip of cocoa. “Mm! Marshmallows? You shouldn’t have.”

Aurora gently took the cup of cocoa from Zach’s hands and placed it on the coffee table in front of them. She then slapped him across the face. “I don’t care what you believe, Zach, but saying your brother controls the weather is blasphemous in my book.”

Zach rubbed his cheek, then grabbed the cocoa. “Sorry. .... who was it that controls the weather again?”

Aurora sighed, putting her face in her palm. “The gods, silly.”

“Yeah, but which one?”

“It depends on what’s going on.”

Zach sighed. He never did understand Aurora’s religion. And, even though he roomed with her and she actively practiced this religion, he probably never would. “Never mind, Aurora. I just thought of an amazing idea.”

“I’m afraid.”

“You see, we make this device that carries us through time, right? And--“

”And we see our future selves.”

“No. We--“

”We see our past selves and tell them not to make the same mistakes we made.”

“No, we--“

”Go back to the founding of the planet and tell the gods to stop what they’re doing.”

“No, we let me finish!” Aurora blushed. “We go back in time and we protect my mom and brother!”

Aurora closed her eyes and thought, then said, “By changing the time line, we would most likely make ourselves cease existing as we do now. Then, we might not feel the need to change the time line, so we ultimately would be trapped in a horrible cycle of changing then not changing. Is that what you want?”

Zach thought for a minute, looked like he was going to say something, thought some more, and then said, “Hey, maybe there’s a world out there where that rule didn’t apply. Wouldn’t that be great?”

“What would be better is if there was a world where we were there...”

“... and?”

“And we were living an as-close-to-perfect-as-physically-possible life. You know, your brother not dead, your mom not dead, and your dad not a crazy murderer.”

Zach turned to her. “And your folks accept you for who you care about and where you live!”

Aurora looked at Zach. “And everyone was happy!”

Zach grabbed her hands. “Yes! ... but...” He turned away. “How will we know which is the right world for us?”

Aurora thought for a moment and scratched behind her head, then said, “I dunno. What if we just keep going through worlds till we find the right one?”

Zach looked back at her and gave her a hug. “Have I mentioned lately that you’re just too awesome for words, Aurora?”

Aurora smiled. “I know I am. But what about you? You’re my springboard.”

“Aw, you’re too sweet.”

And so it began. Zach and Aurora started doing some serious research on theories about these other worlds, general temporal physics, and what sorts of materials have mythical other worldly properties.. Zach settled on using silver from his grandmother’s favorite ring, as many myths said that silver was very powerful, and some brass from a really old doorhandle, as brass was said to protect mortals. Aurora looked into how their device would be powered. She also looked into what the device would look like. After a couple of days, it was ready. It was night when they decided to use it.

“Behold!” Zach shouted, holding up the small, pen-like device. Other than the few cords sticking out and the silver ring with a sapphire on it on top, it could pass for a regular black pen. “I call it--“

”WE call it the Interdimensional Pen of Doom!” Aurora interrupted. “We built it, remember?”

Zach smiled cheesily. “Heheh... yeah... sorry.” He took a closer look at the pen. “Why does it have to be of doom?”

“Because that sounds awesome, silly!”

“Yeah, it does. Well, here goes nothing.” With that, Zach clicked the pen on and drew a circle in midair. When the line had been connected, a bright yellow center appeared. Zach cautiously looked into it. “... nothing. Just... yellow.”

Aurora sighed. “I’m sorry, Zach. I thought it would work.”

Zach stuck his head in. “Yeah, it’s just yellow with a little bit of white. Like scrambled eggs, sort of.”

“... Really? How strange.”

Zach stuck more of him into the circle. His shoulders were in the ring now. “It’s kinda windy. And it sounds like the ocean. Pretty cool if you ask me.” He didn’t realize it, but he was being sucked in. “I wonder if it goes anywhere.” Aurora stood up in alarm. “Aurora, you want to-- GAH!!!” Zach was all the way in.

“ZACH!” Aurora screamed. The ring was still there. “... don’t worry, buddy! I’m coming!” Aurora launched herself into the ring. Upon going all the way through, the circle of yellow shrank and disappeared.

Up was down and down was up. Were they going forwards or backwards? To the side, maybe? All they knew was that solid ground was nowhere near them. There was no sound aside from the sound of ocean waves. Zach tried yelling. Aurora tried screaming. Nothing. All they saw was the yellow and white area around them.

Until there was suddenly green.

Zach hit the ground hard, landing on his neck and rolling a bit before coming to a stop on his back. Aurora soon followed, but simply landed on her chest. It was a clear night in a meadow when they arrived. Zach recognized some simple constellations from home, but nothing else. He shakily tried to stand, but to no avail. He fell, but tried to get up again. This time, he got to one knee.

There really was nothing much around him. Grass, some dandelions, and a few trees were all he saw. When he finally got his footing, he rushed over to Aurora and helped her up.

“W-where are we?” she asked tenderly. “I’m scared!” She clung to him as she looked around. “I want to go home.”

Zach sighed. He was feeling a bit unsure of himself as well. In theory, this was an excellent idea. However, in practice, like many other things, not so much. “According to that book I read on this, we would be dumped where we came from.”

“So... this is your house, in our city, on our planet?” Aurora asked, clarifying everything.

“I... guess so.”

Aurora looked up at Zach, tears in her eyes. “Where’s your house, then?”

Zach shook his head. “I don’t know. Maybe we went through time, too.”

Aurora cried, “No! We couldn’t have! We just wanted to go somewhere else, not somewhen else!”

Zach lifted up her chin and wiped away her tears. “No crying now, hear me? Everything will be okay. Who knows? Maybe there’s a really nice person who’ll let us stay at their house.” Aurora smiled shakily and nodded. “That’s the spirit! Let’s go find that nice person.”

So, the two went to find a figurative person who may or may not exist. They figured that they would be best off to look away from the trees. They eventually found a road and a very fancy wrought iron gate not that far off. A big house (hopefully with a nice person in it) wouldn’t be too far off!

If you call ‘not too far off’ a half-mile uphill.

Eventually, the warm glow of a mansion reached their eyes. Upon seeing it, Aurora ran up to the building and started banging on the door. “Hello?” she shouted, “Anyone in there? Please, we got lost and we need a place to stay! Anywhere would be fine! A warm bed and some food would be highly appreciated!”

Zach pulled her from the door. “Aurora, knock it off! If we beg, they won’t do anything for us! We’ll just be left out here in the cold!”

Aurora broke from his grasp quite easily. “If we say nothing, they won’t do anything either!” She continued banging on the door. “Please, help us! We’ll scrub the floors with toothbrushes if need be!” Zach sighed. There really was no deterring her.

Eventually, the doors opened and out came a slender woman in her 40's. “May I help you two?” the woman asked. She had brown hair that looked like

Aurora nodded, “Yes, we got lost and need a place to stay.”

The woman laughed. “Well, then, come inside! You two must be hungry.”

“Indeed!” Aurora replied. After sticking her tongue out at Zach in triumph, she rushed in, but Zach walked rather slowly. He absorbed the interior of the beautiful mansion. There was a marble floor and a lot of silver decorations. Throughout the house, the haunting sound of a piano echoed. The brown-haired woman who welcomed them led the two up a marble staircase to a pair of guest bedrooms. Zach settled into his room and found plenty of reading material. Most of it was on music, but it was reading material nonetheless. Eventually, the woman came back with a bowl of rice, chicken, peas, and carrots.

“Thank you, ma’am,” Zach said, “Not only for the food, but for you letting us stay in your house unannounced.”

The woman laughed. “Oh, please, call me Alice! Ma’am makes me feel old. And this isn’t my house.”

Zach was puzzled. “It’s not?”

“No, it’s my eldest son’s house. He’s a famous pianist.”

“Really? Then that must be him playing piano that I hear.”

“Yeah, he’s amazing.”

Zach took the fork he had been provided and plowed into the food. “Mmm...”

Alice laughed. “You remind me of his little brother. He could never wait for food.”

Zach coughed. “It’s really good. Thank you.” Alice smiled, then started to leave, but stopped when she heard Zach ask, “By the way, what’s your eldest son’s name?”

Alice turned and replied, “His name is Alex.” As Zach puzzled over this information, she left. She obviously wasn’t his mother, so the likelihood of this being the same Alex was slim. After devouring his supper, Zach curled up and fell asleep to the sweet sound of piano.

STATS: 1% request rate






349 comments:

«Oldest   ‹Older   1 – 200 of 349   Newer›   Newest»
brian_ohio said...

Thank you for your query. I'm afraid this isn't right for me.

Best,

Brian

hannah said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query. Unfortunately, I don't think this would fit my list at this time.

Best of luck,
hannah

reader said...

Pass.

This seems to be a lot of telling, I need more showing in the novels I represent in order to entice editors.

Best of luck.

PurpleClover said...

Dear Author:

I afraid this isn't right for me.

Regards,
PC

Bane of Anubis said...

Dear Author,

Thanks for submitting your story, but it's not for me. Best of luck,

Bane

(reasoning: query needs more detail - the opening of the story needed more oomph, IMO)

PT Hammonds said...

Dear Author:

While there's much to enjoy in your writing, I'm afraid it's not for me. Keep submitting. Another agent might feel different.

All the best,
Pamela

David said...

Dear Author:

Thank you for your submission, but this project doesn't sound right for me.

Sincerely,
David

terri said...

Thank you for your query. This isn't right for my list at this time.

Kitti said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query, but this doesn't fit with what I am looking for.

Best of luck,
Kitti

Anonymous said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query. I’ll pass on this one. Good luck in your endeavors.

Regards,

Lindsey S.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your query. I'm afraid this isn't quite right for me.

Agent99

Reasons: Read the submission guidelines. Not enough sense of character.

Writer from Hell said...

Dear author

This is the most wonderful idea I have ever heard. I'm sure it will make a bestseller.

Hurry up and send me the manuscript please. Thank you for considering me as your agent. It is my first too.

Agent from Hell

Josephine Damian said...

First paragraph - too much sucking up.

Second paragraph: juvenile wording: "really messed up."

First paragraph on novel, no voice, telling, not showing...

Reject.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Form rejection.


The query needs polish. Small details - like the explicit word count - show some lack of understanding of what goes into a query. The writing didn't pull me in.

Chris Eldin said...

Author,

I didn't read your excerpt, but your query lacked voice. There's nothing compelling about the character, and the query is very short.

I think you should try re-writing your query.

Thomas said...

Dear Author:

Thank you for your submission, but this project doesn't sound right for me.

Sincerely,
Tally

Barbara Webb said...

Dear Author,

So glad you enjoy my blog, but I'm afraid END OF THE WORLD isn't right for me.

Best,

Barbara

Chanelley said...

Thank you for submitting your query. Unfortunately, it is not what I’m looking for at this time. However, do continue to query widely. After all, it does only take one agent to say yes!
All the best,
Agent for the day

Derek said...

Dear Author,

Sorry but this is just not very exciting. I'll pass.

Agent For A Day.

DeadlyAccurate said...

Dear Author:

Thank you for your query and I apologize for this form reply.

I regret I have to pass on many interesting projects due to time constraints. I wish you the best of luck in securing representation elsewhere.


Sincerely,

DeadlyAccurate

scj said...

Sorry but I have to pass. I don't see enough specifics of the plot described in the query, and the writing in the sample pages is not strong enough to draw me in. Best of luck.

Eva Ulian said...

Unless you tell me how Zach's life gets messed up, I cannot make a proper decision- also 54,000 words is on the short side for a full length novel.

Rick said...

Author-

Thank you for your kind words about my blog, but I'm afraid you must have me confused with someone else -- I don't represent Fantasy.

If you have not already, you may want to check out AgentQuery. It can help you find an Agent who best suits your needs.

http://www.agentquery.com/

Sincerely,
Rick O

Onovello said...

Dear Author:

Thank you for your query and sample pages. While I am not sufficiently enthusiastic about this project to take it on, I encourage you to keep looking, as another agent will no doubt feel differently.

With best wishes for your success in finding representation,

Onovello

jimnduncan said...

Thank you for querying but I'm afraid I must pass. Best of luck in your continued endeavors.

(Reason: Not enough here for me to go on, and 54k is awfully short)

Cat said...

Dear Author,

thank you for submitting but it's not right for me.

Sincerely,
Cat

form rejection because it doesn't show what is new about this story. Jumping worlds has been done (see Diana Wynne Jones for example). In a query you need to show why your story is unique and this query fails to do this.

Julie Weathers said...

Dear Author,

There were interesting points in your submission, but I’m afraid I can’t offer representation. This is a subjective business, and what appeals to one reader doesn’t always appeal to another. With my current workload, I have to be very discriminating and take on only projects I am passionate about.

I urge you to continue your quest to be published and wish you the best of luck.

Sincerely,

J.M. Agent

Megan said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for taking the time to submit.

I regret to inform you that at this time I would like to pass on your book.

Next time I would advise reading the submission guidelines a little more carefully and not posting your novel in the body of the email.

Best of luck in the future,

Regards,
Agent for a Day, Bookworm Megs

Cat said...

oh and also it is amateurish to state the exact wordcount. Round it up or down to the next thousand.

Scott said...

Sorry, but this story isn't for me. Thanks, Scott

(reason): too short, not enough detail, and what's with the sample, Bub?

Anonymous said...

Sigh. And I LOVE YA Fantasy, especially world jumping.

But I have to reject this. It's your world building, the characters...and
the pages...the pages...
So in this fantasy world, everything is basically the same as our world, especially down to no diversity in the cast of characters right? (how about a five headed shaved cat?)

Stretch the imagination a whole lot further... chow

Agent XXX

sally apokedak said...

Dear Author,

Thanks but this isn't for me.

Agent

No hook. No conflict. Not in the query, anyway.

I think the writing shows some wit and some promise. Unfortunately it also shows that it needs some time to mature, I think.

lesleylsmith said...

Dear Author,
Thank you for your query letter.
Unfortunately, your novel is not a good fit for me.
Good luck!
-Lesley
p.s.The story paragraph in the query letter should give more info about the story. The writing sample indicates you should consider joining a critique group.

Dara said...

Dear The End of the Worlds,

Thank you for your query. Unfortunately I do not think I am the right person for this book. I wish you success in your search for representation.

Best,

Dara

Specifics: Not strong enough. The first few paragraphs in the sample pages didn't grab me.

Sophie W. said...

Dear Author of The Ends of the Worlds,

Although your work shows merit, I cannot request further materials at this time. Keep in mind that this business is terribly subjective, and you'll probably get the chance to thumb your nose at me in the future.

Love,

Sophie

Lisa R said...

Dear The End of the Worlds:

Thank you for submitting your work to me. I'm afraid it is not right for me at this time. Another agent may feel differently. Best of luck.

Lisa R

I agree with reader that there is a lot of telling. Not a bad writer--just could use some more punch to begin with.

Colorado Writer said...

Sorry, not right for me.
Best,
Agent

EJ Lange said...

Author,

Thank you for submitting your query. Unfortunately, it is not right for me at this time.

Agent Erin

Karen said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query. This work is not for me.

Best of luck,
Karen

Keri Ford said...

Thank you for submitting, but unfortunately I didn’t connect with this story idea.

Good Luck,
Keri

<><><><><><><>
Saying his life 'is really messed up' isn't enough about the story. Be more specific. Don't depend on your pages to get a request.

greg said...

Dear Author,

Thank-you for your query. However, "End of the Worlds" doesn't sound like a good match for me. As all writing is subjective, I suggest that you query other agencies which may have a different opinion. Best of luck with your project

Big-Hearted Agent

In reality, I don't think I could get through 54K words of this, even though it is so short. In fact, too short for a novel. The wake up scene is excruciatingly dull, the dialog banal. And OF COURSE the roommate has GREEN eyes. My personal opinion is that I instantly close any book that begins with waking up or a dream sequence.

Agent X said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for taking the time to query. I'm afraid this isn't the right piece for me. I wish you the best of luck.

Sincerely,

Agent X

David de Beer said...

Dear Author,

thanks for your interest but I'm afraid I'm going to pass this time.

Sincerely,

David de Beer

Jane Doherty said...

Form rejection.

(The query isn't well constructed, and simple mistakes like the exact word count stand out. I still tried to read a bit of the sample, but stopped on the first paragraph. If as many authors woke up at the beginning of their books as made their characters do it, the world would be a better place.)

Megan said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query. Unfortunately, your book isn't right for me. Agenting is subjective, though, and I wish you the best of luck!

Sincerely,
Megan

JSB said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for taking the time to send your submission. Unfortunately this piece is not right for me at this time.

Best of luck,

JSB

Trix said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission but I cannot request it at this time. Show me how jumping through worlds is any more exhilarating than jumping through hoops and you may have my interest. Hook me. Faster.

Best Regards,
Trix

Chuck H. said...

Dear Author,

Sorry, this just didn't grab me. Good luck in your search for representation.

Sincerely,

Chuck

Monika said...

Thank you for your submission. I read the attached pages with genuine interest. I loved the humor and the characters, but ultimately I do not think this project is right us. This is a subjective business and other agencies will feel differently. We wish you every success with your project.

Lucy Ammunition said...

Hey Writer,
Thanks for the chance to review your writing.
I'd like to see you spend a little more time with this, perhaps with a writing group or an editor.
It's got some punch and needs some more.
Although there are many examples of published writing that hasn't gone the full nine yards to polished writing,
that's what I am looking for.
Please feel free to send it by me again after you've spent more time
(with a note reminding me as I get a LOT of submissions). I'd like to see what how you develop as a writer.
Best of Luck,

Lucy Ammunition,
Fictitious Agent

AgentMan said...

Sorry, nothing in your query enticed me to read the accompanying sample pages. Best of luck.

AgentMan

Melina said...

Dear Author,

It shows some promise, but needs some more creativity/detail.

Thanks,

Melina

ai-hua said...

Query did not call to me, but since there were pages I skimmed. Confirmed my original call: form rejection.

7-iron said...

Dear Author,
Thank you for submitting your proposal for The End of the Worlds. Unfortunately, I cannot offer you representation, at this time.
Yours,
7-iron.

How exactly is Zach's life "messed up"?
How does he jump through worlds?
Story about another college student.
Opened with weather... a sunrise, at that.

A Gent said...

Dear Author,
Thanks but no thanks. Way too much telling for my taste.

Best,
A Gent

Rick Daley said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your interest in The Authors’ Write Literary Agency. I have reviewed your query for The End of the Worlds, and I’m sorry to say that I do not feel that I am the best agent to represent your work at this time.

Please keep in mind that there are many talented agents out there, and opinions are subjective based on individual preferences, workload, and market climate.

Don’t be afraid to research other agents and query those that you feel are best suited to represent your work. Best of luck!

Regards,

Daley Agent for a Day

Nixy Valentine said...

Dear Author:

I'm sorry, but this didn't hook me enough to ask for more.

Notes: Your blurb says twice that he's young, and "messed up" is far too vague. My impression is that 54,000 words is too short for an adult fantasy novel (if it's YA, you need to make that clear.)

In your excerpt, I didn't get past the first paragraph. You used the word "was" 5 times in one paragraph, and that made it flat and lifeless. I would suggest finding some strong critique partners or a writing group to help you polish this.

Superfast said...

Thank you so much for your submission. Unfortunately, I don't feel I'm the right agent to represent your work.

Good luck and keep writing!

kdrausin said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for requesting my representation. I applaud your determination and effort in completing your novel. Your story is not right for me at this time; however I encourage you to keep writing and pursuing excellence in your craft.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

Warm Regards, KDrausin

jjdebenedictis said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your recent query; discovering new talent is one of the joys of being a literary agent, and I am always honoured to have the opportunity to read a writer's best work.

Please accept my regrets, however, as I won't be offering to represent this novel. I apologize for informing you of this using a form letter, but the volume of mail I receive makes it impractical for me to give personalized rejections.

I wish you the very best luck in finding a literary agent whose enthusiasm will bring your book the success it deserves!

Sincerely,
J. J. DeGoblin

~~~~~~~
For your reference, here are the most common reasons why I decline certain queries. Please note that if your submission was very good, my reasons for rejecting it were probably much subtler than the items on this list and cannot be put quickly into words. Again, I apologize for this form letter, but I cannot invest the time to critique those submissions I have chosen to not represent. Thank you for your understanding.


Most common reasons why I decline manuscripts:

[ ]--The manuscript is in a genre which I don't represent

[ ]--The query appears to be a non-personalized mass mailing

[ ]--The query/manuscript's presentation was worryingly unpolished
(E.g. Many spelling, grammar, punctuation or homophone errors; a non-standard format)

[ X ]--The writing doesn't seem polished enough
(This improves with practice; your next novel may be excellent)

[ X ]--The plot doesn't sound compelling enough
(Again, this improves with practice and self-education)

[ ]--The plot sounds too similar to something book-buyers have already seen


Comments, if any:
Your opening scene has too much backstory and description. Try starting with the story's inciting incident.

K.D. said...

Query8

Dear Author,

Thank your for your query. Unfortunately, I don't think your project sounds right for me.

Sincerely,

Agent K.D.

Notes: The World of Warcraft universe is set in Azaroth. If you don't know your market well enough to know that, then I'm really worried about the rest of the manuscript.

You also need to say what audience this is for. Based on the word count and writing, I'm guessing YA.

quixotic said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission, however, I do not feel excited enough about this story to request anything further.

Good luck in your search for an agent.

Quixotic

KC in SF said...

Thank you for your query but I do not represent fantasy.

best wishes,

KC in SF

Cat Hellisen said...

Dear Author

Thank you for your query.  Your proposal is interesting, but I don't feel that the project is quite right for me. I wish you the best of luck in finding representation elsewhere.

Best,
Cat.

Jeni said...

Dear Zach,
Thank you for your query. I sincerely appreciate the opportunity to review your proposal, and found the premise for your manuscript intriguing. However, I’m afraid that the manuscript does not meet my needs at this time. Please do continue to send your work to other agents, as someone else may feel differently.
Best of luck in your publishing endeavors,
Jeni

Myra said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query. This work isn't right for me.

Best of luck,
Agent for a day Myra

JuJu said...

Dear Author,

Though your work is promising, the writing just isn't appealing to me, I'm afraid I will have to pass.

Best wishes,

JuJu

(The exact word count threw me off a little)

Megan said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query. Unfortunately, I will have to pass at this time. 50k is short for a work of fantasy (I would expect a story of this type to be closer to 100k), and I am not feeling the originality in your concept.

I wish you the best of luck, and keep writing!

Meg Spencer

suki said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query. I'm afraid this project isn't right for me. I wish you luck in your search for representation.

Regards,
Suki


Reasoning: Query seemed somewhat unpolished and demonstrated a lack of research into what is expected in a query. The summary paragraph, while not poorly written, was too vague and the voice really didn't seem consistent. The beginning of the pages didn't hook me. Not a bad start, but The writing and the query both would probably improve through revision and research into the market/expectations.

PPP said...

Dear Author,

Change the fantasy thing to a historical thing. Add in some horses and harems. Change the mc's name to Candide. I think we'll have a winner.

Until then, I'll have to pass. This opening didn't smack of originality, nor did it demand my attention.

Signed,
PPP

DCS said...

Thanks for the query but I do not feel it is a project I can get behind.

Laurie said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query and sample pages. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to pass, as I'm not interested in fantasy.

All the best,
Laurie

Flemmily said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, I feel that THE END OF THE WORLDS is not a fit for our agency.

Best of luck with your future endeavors,

Flemmily

Brigita said...

Thank you for sending me your query. Unfortunately, this project is not right for me. I wish you the best of luck in securing representation elsewhere.

Dorine White said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query. I'm afraid this isn't right for me.

Best regards,
Agent for a day

Start with action

Gryph said...

Dear Author,

Thank you very much for your query. While I appreciate the time and effort you've put into your work, I don't believe this is a good fit for me.

Please remember that what doesn't fit one agent may well fit another! I encourage you to not give up. In the future, if you have other manuscripts to query, I hope that you'll think of me again.

Sincerely,

Agent Gryph

selestial-owg said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query. I'm don't think I am the right agent for this piece, however. Good luck with your search.

Selestial


The query itself is too vague. But with pages attached, I took a peek at those. But the first paragraph contains four sentences and five uses of "was". I need writing that is more active than that.

romoak said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission. While aspects of this story are intriguing, this story is not right for me at this time. Best of luck to you in your continued efforts. Please keep in mind that other agents are different.

-- The writing didn't flow for me. It opens and I think real world, then it goes to a magical kingdom and world hopping. I couldn't keep up with all the twists - there didn't seem to be a cohesive whole.

-- The first few chapters were all I got through. There are too many, non-neccessary details right up front. Then, the second para could be deleted completely, or moved later where it would be more interesting.

Belinda Frisch said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query. Unfortunately, this does not fit my list at this time.

Best Wishes,
Belinda

lilianamama said...

Dear Author:

Thank you for your interest in the "Be An Agent For a Day" contest. While I find your idea interesting, your query's language does not display a degree of writing finesse and/or polish that is necessary for publication. For instance, editors and agents will advise you to never open a novel with someone waking up. There's no tension to pull the reader in. Also, your first paragraph has passive language.

As far as your query goes, I suggest you attempt to use text from your story that displays your skill as a fiction author. Show rising tension, arc, resolution and conclusion and if at all possible, how your main character changes throughout the book. Only use the story's major characters.

Your last paragraph should indicate an awareness of marketability for your work.

I wish you all the best.

ccallicotte4 said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for sending me your query. I appreciate you considering me.

I reviewed your proposal and unfortunately am going to pass on representing it. Please keep in mind that this is a subjective business, and another agent may feel differently. I encourage you to query widely.

Best of luck to you.

Melissa said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for sending me your query, but I don't think I'm the right agent for the book. Best of luck.

Melissa

Thoughts: I went ahead and started reading the pages, even though my submission guidelines say not to send pages until I request them. I was not surprised that I didn't like them. They don't have any conflict whatsoever until the dead brother thing, and when I got there I realized I didn't care. It wasn't written in a way that made me care.

Tamara said...

Dear Author of The End of the Worlds,

Thank you for your query and sample pages. While I found parts interesting, I'd like to see more action in the opening pages. I'm sorry to say I've decided to pass on the project, but I wish you the best of luck in the future.

Sincerely,
Agent for a Day
(Tamara)

Jenn Johansson said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query. Unfortunately, I'm afraid this isn't right for me.

Best of luck!
JR

Caroline said...

Dear Author:

I don't feel like I could represent this work. Thank you for your submission.

Sincerely,

Agent Caroline

Reesha said...

Dear Author,
Thank you for your submission. I have considered your query and the partial manuscript you sent. I was intrigued in the beginning, but I'm afraid this piece did not hold my attention. I believe you have some great characters and a good premise for your story, but it is not for me.
Best of luck with revision and seeking representation.
Reesha

bridge said...

Dear Author,
Thank you for your query. I'm afraid this isn't right for me.
Best of luck,
Bridge

On a personal note, I didn't read the sample pages, just the query so this is based solely on that. It was too short, too much telling. I didn't get any sense of voice or tone. It was not intriguing because everything was told, not shown. Find the conflict in the first three chapters, right about that in your query. If there isn't a conflict then re write so there is. I love fantasy and like the premise of the story I just need more of a sense of how the novel will read from the query.
Hope this helps,
Bridge

Christine Rose said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query, but this isn't right for me at this time.

Best of luck,
Agent for a Day

Bija Andrew Wright said...

Sorry, this isn't right for me.

Jenn S. said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query. It's not right for me, but please keep me in mind for future submissions.

Regards,
Jenn S.

(Reason: First I'll address the query letter. Its main problem: not enough detail. How is Zach's life messed up? What exactly motivates him to jump through worlds to find the perfect one, and why does he think he can find one? Another significant problem is that this seems a little tone-deaf in terms of genre. "Jumping through worlds" [alternate realities?] seems more like SF; college students named Zach are not commonly found in fantasy.

The sample pages seem too focused on trivial/physical detail. I'm not that interested in whether Zach decides to shave or what color Aurora's eyes are; I want plot and character. Plus, the voice seems too informal/modern for a fantasy ["A bunch of his friends said that it was really creepy"]. The dialogue also doesn't ring true to my ears ["You know what would be great? If you were still alive.”] I like that the pivotal scenes, in which Zach and Aurora start building their time machine thing, come early in the book, but I don't have enough sense of their characters to get why they make that decision.

I would like to see this book re-queried after some time and polishing.

Casey said...

Dear Author:

Thank you for your time and consideration. Unfortunately, I’m afraid I’m not the right agent to represent THE END OF THE WORLDS.

The query did not compel enough me to read the included pages.

Best wishes,

Casey

beth said...

Dear Author,

Please send me the first fifty pages of your manuscript at your convenience. Thank you!

beth

PS: Loved the hook and concept; liked the voice from the first page. Some of it wasn't, IMO, perfect, but I like the potential I see.

:)Ash said...

Dear Author:

Thank you for your interest in my agency. Unfortunately, I do not feel I am the right agent for you at this time. Best wishes as you continue your search.

Sincerely yours,

:)Ash

sirayn said...

Dear X,

Thank you for your query. I’m afraid I have to pass, but I wish you luck in finding an agent who’s passionate about your work.

Today’s Agent

(Reasoning: worldbuilding weird, wordcount too short by half, story blurb unspecific, pages start with protagonist waking up and then a bunch of trivia and physical descriptions. Form rejection.)

Joy said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission and your interest in using me as an agent. After taking some time to consider your material, I have decided that this isn't right for me.

Best of luck in your writing endeavors,

Joy

Chrissy said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission, but it isn't what Im looking for at this time. Good luck with your publishing endeavors.

Kiki

Renee Collins said...

Dear The End of the Worlds,

Thank you for the query, and for reading my blog. Unfortunately, this is not the right story for me.

Best of luck,

Renee

Ulysses said...

Thanks for submitting your query. Unfortunately, I don't feel I am the agent to represent this work.

super agent nicole said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for taking the time to submit your query. Unfortunately, I will need to pass on END OF THE WOLRD at this time. The premise sounds promising, but I did not get a feel for what exactly happens. How does Zach jump through worlds? Can everyone do this? Is he the only one? Is that why Aderyn wants him? Also, 54,000 is extremely short for a novel, especially fantasy. I would be interested in hearing about future projects you may work on.

Thank you,
Nicole

note: this was a close call for me based on the query alone, but I decided before I read the partial. I don't think I would read the partial if I wasn't sure.. I would be put off by having the pages submitted immediately (i'm pretty sure nathans - and most - agents request only the query and then will ask for the partial if they are interested)

John said...

Dear Author,

Thanks for giving me the chance to consider your work. Unfortunately, it's not something I think I can sell at present. I wish you the best of luck in your writing career.

Anonymous said...

whoa this query is way too abrupt, How is his life messed up? How come he can cross over to different worlds? The query should at least give enough reason for the agent to want to read the bits you provide.

So:

Dear author,
Your manuscript is just not right for me. Thanks for querying.

sincerely,
moniza

K. Andrew Smith said...

Dear author,

Thank you for your submission, The End of the Worlds. Unfortunately, it's not quite right for me. I wish you good fortune in your quest for an agent.

Sincerely,

K. Andrew Smith

Cindy said...

Dear Author,

Your manuscript is not right for me at this time. Best of luck in your search for an agent.

Cindy

Vicky said...

Thank you for thinking of our agency. Unfortunately this project is not right for us.

Best wishes.

Owl Sprite said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for sending me your query for "The End of the Worlds." Unfortunately, it doesn't meet my needs at this time.

Best wishes in your search for representation,

The Classic Carol said...

Thanks for your query. It is our top priority to select what best matches our agency. We wish you success as you pursue an agent better suited to your work.

Harsh Critic said...

The query letter is too short.

The sample started with a description of the sun and a person waking up, both cliches.

Sorry, not for me.

Don said...

[form rejection]

Amy said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for thinking of me, your novel The End of the Worlds sounds interesting but it's not for me at this time.

Good luck with your search for an agent.

Kind regards,

amyandnick

Heather said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query, but this isn't for me.

Sincerely,
Heather


*Not enough premise in the query.
*The writing in the sample pages didn't make me like it more.

Madison said...

Dear Author,

Thank you so much for submitting your work and considering me to represent it. While the story sounds quite interesting, I am afraid it does not fit my list at this point in time and I must regretfully pass. I know rejections can be hard to take, but please keep submitting and following your dream.

Best of luck in your agent hunt!

Sincerely,

Madison

Reason for rejection: This query screams "noob". You can be a newbie without flaunting it. The query needs more detail and the story seems loaded with passive voice. With polishing it could be good, but I think the author should do this before querying.

Amy said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission. While I enjoyed some of the ideas in your story, I think it needs some more revision before it's ready for publication.

Sincerely,
Amy

Ethan Rose said...

trying to give too much extra information within the story is rather awkword. It distracts from the narrative flow.

Brian Crawford said...

Thank you for sending me your work. Unfortunately, I must reject it. Don’t feel bad; I receive about 2,000 queries per week, and reject 99.99% of them. Assume I’m wrong about you. Don’t give up. In the meantime, increase your chances of success by downloading my e-book, “Kick-ass Queries,” available on my website for only $199.99.

Laura said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query, but the subject isn't a good fit for me.

Best of luck,

Agent Laura

L.C. Gant said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission, but I'm afraid your story isn't right for me at this time.

First, I would need to see more specifics in your query regarding the nature of the conflict between Zach and Aderyn. The sample pages you sent suffer from a similar lack of conflict, as well as a tendency to tell your character's feelings rather than show them.

Overall, however, I think your writing shows promise. Feel free to requery after you have revised it.

Best wishes,

L.C. Gant (Agent for a Day)

Lois Lavrisa said...

Dear Author,

While I appreciate your consideration of our agency, I will have to pass on your project.

I am sorry to say I did not have the passionate response to it that I would need to request more or offer you representation.

Obviously you want an agent who will stand enthusiastically behind your work.

Additionally, given today’s publishing climate I do not believe I would be able to get you the attention from a publisher that your book deserves.

Publishing is very subjective, though, and another agent may well feel differently.

I do wish you success in finding representation and, once again, thank you for the opportunity to consider your work.

Sincerely,

Lois Lavrisa
Agent for a day

sraasch said...

Dear Author,

Nothing sparked for me. Sorry!

Thanks!
Sara

Anonymous said...

Dear Author

Thank you for your recent letter concerning your work. I am afraid that we are not enthusiastic enough about your work to pursue it further.

We wish you the best of luck in finding suitable representation.

Sincerely
The Fake Agency

EMC07 said...

Dear Author,
Thank you for your submission. While I find the story idea interesting, I'm not drawn in right away. There's a lot of time spent on description, and not enough action. I need to be hooked right away. My attention span is short. I will have to pass at this time.

Sincerely,

emc

splatter said...

Thank you for your query. Unfortunately, this work is not right for me.

reasons: the query and opening of the story both lacked punch for me. There wasn't enough detail to really sell me on the story, and the word count seemed a bit low for something not billed as YA.

Getabo Publishing said...

It's good you include the genre and word count - and it sounds from the length that it is aimed at Young Adults - perhaps you should consider adding that, if correct?

It's good to mention the informative blog, but if you read Nathan's guidelines and FAQs you could find some of his recommendations to make this query stronger.

"A killer plot - great plots leap off the page. And the heart of the plot, as Jessica Faust pointed out in a really great post yesterday, is conflict. Describe a great central conflict and I'll be interested."

This query gives me an idea of what the story is about, you tell me a rough outline of what the overall idea is - but it doesn't give me a feeling for the plot and action. X happens, triggers Y, that has Z outcome - and how that develops my character(s).

I think if you consider your opening lines, which are rather slow compared with where you get to the real interesting action, you might see what I mean -

"Zach yawned, stretched, then proceeded to go through his daily routine. "

"Today was October 13th. It was also Zach’s older brother’s birthday. (skip aside..)It was also the day his older brother had died."

The second has a bit more Wow - impact!

Perhaps worth considering if you haven't already, there are lots of great online critique groups which could help you build on what appears to be a good idea and story - such as youwriteon or authonomy. Good luck!

***
Thank you for your query. Unfortunately we do not think that your book would be a likely prospect for our list.

We regret that the large number of submissions we receive makes it impossible to offer individual comment. We believe it is more important to read and evaluate every query / submission we receive with due consideration.

We appreciate you thinking of Getabo Creative Publishing, and wish you the best of luck with your manuscript and future writing endeavors.

Sincerely.
The Editors
Getabo Creative Publishing

BJ said...

I'm afraid I have to pass. - BJ

Reason:
I just don't care enough about this protagonist. His life is messed up - well, so is mine. I get that he's searching for a perfect world - aren't we all? None of this tells me *why* he's going to different worlds on his quest. Is it his choice? If not, whose choice is it, and what does he think of it? If it is his choice, why did he have to make this choice? What are (or would be) the consequences of his choice? What challenge does he face?

If you answered these questions in the sample, that's the wrong place. You haven't caught my interest enough to read your sample. The query letter needs to catch my attention enough that I *would* want to take the time to read your pages.

Moth said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for submitting your query to Moth's Literary Agency. While your story sounds interesting, I'm afraid it's just not right for us. Best of luck in your writing career.

Sincerely,
Moth

Steve Axelrod said...

This one is not for me. Thanks anyway.

Cat Moleski said...

Dear Author,
Thank you for your submission, however, I must pass on your project at this time.

Cat

dhole said...

Dear Author, thanks for thinking of me, but it's not quite right for my list at this time. Yrs, etc.

Ramen with cheese said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for allowing RJM Agency to consider your work, but I’m afraid it’s not a good fit for our list. We wish you every bit of luck in your search for representation.

RJM

~Jamie said...

Thank you for submitting your work, but I am afraid I just wasn't hooked.

Best,
~Jamie

Anonymous said...

Dear Author,
I received and read your query.
I'm going to pass. The conversation at the brother's gravesite is awkward. I'd suggest spending more time on the title, hook and query.

Best to you,
Agent SCL

The Writers Canvas said...

Thanks for your query, but it's not right for me at this time. Sci-fi fantasy isn't something we represent on a regular basis.

Best of luck to you in your writing endeavors!

Elaine

bookshop said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your recent submission. I regret that I am unable to offer you representation at this time. I wish you luck in your search for representation.

Regards,

Bookshop


______


(Hi! You sent sample pages, that's totally awesome and brave of you to do, nice job. :D But you already had a rejection from me by the second paragraph of your query. You summed up the action, but you didn't tell me WHY. Why is he unhappy, what's wrong with his current world? Why does he need to find another one? What's his motivation? And most of all, what's at stake here? What will happen if he just keeps jumping through worlds?

The fact that I didn't know any of that by the end of your query or the end of the sample pages makes me feel like maybe this manuscript isn't quite ready for submission. You might consider asking yourself "what does this character want more than anything in the world?" and then revising the novel so the answer to that question comes through in everything he does.

Good luck!)

Nik said...

Thank you for your submission, but I'm going to pass at this time.

Reasoning: You left me wondering too many things with unanswered why's that could have made it more intriguing. Like why his life is messed up and what's at stake if he doesn't find the perfect world.

Hilabeans said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to consider your work. I regret to say that I don’t feel that I’m the most appropriate agent for this project.

Best wishes,

HHS

lucy in the sky said...

Thank you for your submission. The premise of your story is interesting but the sample pages you submitted do not sound like a completed, polished work. Although I am passing at this time please feel free to resubmit to me when the work has gone through it's final draft.

Other Lisa said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately it's not what I'm looking for. Best of luck in your search for representation, and keep writing!

Barb said...

Dear Author,

Thanks you for your submission, but this is not for me. I wish you luck in finding a home for your manuscript.

All the best,
Barb

Kristi said...

Thank you for your query. This isn't quite right for me but I wish you the best of luck.

Sincerely,
Kristi

Jessumby said...

Dear Author

Thank you for sending me your query. I regret to inform you that it does not suit the needs of my list at this time.

Regards, Jessumby

Cassandra said...

Dear Author,

I'm afraid that at this time I am unable to offer representation for your novel. This is purely a business decision, and unfortunately means that we must turn away many talented individuals. I encourage you to continue querying agents you think might be interested.

I appreciate your interest in Agent for A Day, and wish you every success in your writing career.



Regards,
Cassandra

Steph said...

Dear You,

Thanks for querying, but I'm going to have to pass. Remember that opinions vary greatly (et al), and you should query widely. Best of luck!

Steph

Dawn G. said...

Dear Author,

Unfortunately, I am unable to offer you representation at this time. Thank you for submitting your work for consideration. Please keep me in mind for future projects.

Kindest Regards,

D. Agent

Tryst888 said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for submitting your query but I'm afraid I will have to pass on this one. Best of luck to you in your future endeavors.

Endless Secrets said...

Dear Author,

Thank your for your query, unfortuantely I am unwilling to represent your work as it does not match my taste, but I wish you luck in future endeavors.

-Lea

Miss Lily said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for allowing me to read this query, but it's not right for me. Best of luck, and please keep me in mind for future projects.

Lily

Reason: Needs to focus more on ironing out the query than putting all hope on the pages.

Gwen said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your interest. Unfortunately, this project is not a good fit for me at the present time.

Regards,

Gwen

***

(Note: the premise appears a bit confusing, or, at least, the query lacks information I would need in order to better understand the plot, despite the attached pages. Therefore I must pass.)

KathyF said...

Dear Author of Query #8,

Thank you for your query, but THE END OF THE WORLDS isn't right for me.

KathyF

Cary Louisa said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission, but I don't feel this is right for me.

Thanks,
Cary

Kristine Overbrook said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query, but it’s not what we are looking to represent at this time. You do have promise, please keep working on your writing.

Thank you,
Agent F A Day

wickerman said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query. I am afraid i must decline at this time. Your writing is too heavy on telling vs showing for my taste. Unfortunately, the fantasy market is tight right now and a novel must truly shine to rise above the rest of my submissions to make the cut.

I encourage you to revise and rewrite and continue your search for representation.

Best of luck,

The Wickerman

Sorcerer Supreme, Bransford Lit

sKim said...

Thank you for letting us consider your original work. We regret that it doesn't suit our needs at this time. Best of luck to you.

SammyStewart said...

Form Rejection

Calli said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for submitting The End of the Worlds. Unfortunately, this title does not fit my needs at this time.

Regards,
Calli
_____
(Side note: I'm not seeing anything to set this apart from the multitudes of world-hopping young protagonist stories out there, and the five pages enclosed confirm it. The prose has a few momentary hints of sardonic humor (at least some of which looked intentional), but they get drowned in the telling-oriented narrative style, which just sort of rambles forward. The word count also jumped out at me -- 54,461 is rather short for a novel, and I wonder if this was a product of NaNoWriMo. It needs a lot more work, at any rate.)

Dana said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query. Unfortunately I am not interested in representing this novel.

Regards,

Dana

reasons: Word count is awfully short, unless it's YA which it didn't say. I wasn't thrilled b the writing, though the plot had potential.

Horserider said...

Dear Author:

Thank you for allowing us to consider your work. I’m sorry to say that this is not something we are interested in at this time. We receive hundreds of submissions every week and, unfortunately, cannot take them all on. This is a very subjective business and I wish you luck on your journey to publication.

Sincerely,

Horserider Literary Agency

Dave said...

Thanks for thinking of me, but I’m sorry to say that I have to pass. Good luck in your hunt for representation, and don’t get discouraged!

Agent KES said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for submitting your query. Unfortunately, I am not able to offer you representation at this time. Best of luck,

Agent KES

Gregory said...

Dear Author;

Form Rejection.

Cordially,

Agent Gregory

[Looks like a YA fantasy, both from the writing in the first paragraph, and the length. The writing needs work. Needs to be more active. The query doesn't hook because it's still too general. Why does Zack take off, and why does he need a "perfect world?"

Example of passive writing: You wrote: As Zach walked into the kitchen, a plate with a cheese and sweet onion omelette on it was passed into his hand, followed by a glass of milk. The key is to make the subject of the sentence DO it (unless your choice of the passive is for effect). Don't go passive and have things done TO the subject.

Example rewrite: Zach walked into the kitchen and before he could sit, Aurora pushed a plate into one hand, a glass of milk into the other. Omelette. Cheese. Sweet onions. Zack hated onions.

(It's great if you can add even minor, subtle tension in every paragraph as well.)]

Kavanaugh and Byrne's LA said...

Dear Author

Thank you for giving us the opportunity to consider your work at Kavanaugh and Byrne’s Literary Agency.

We do not feel that are the best match with this project.
We wish you every success with this and other ventures

Flower Kavanaugh

AgentforDay said...

Dear author,

Thank you for your query, but THE END OF THE WORLDS is not what I am looking for at this time. I could not give it the necessary attention.

Good luck with your search for representation.

Please feel free to submit future endeavors.

Sincerely,

Agent for the Day

Both the query and sample feel like the story is being rushed. The characters are being forced forward, and the plot is not fully explained.

This seems like a long outline that could be filled in and edited. I would need a clearer idea of who makes up your target market (i.e. age group) to know how much editing would be needed.

There could be real potential here if the novel was “beefed up”. For example, the challenges the characters have to overcome to build the time the machine should be explained -- or rather -- the story told. How did they build this machine so quickly?

As readers, we want to believe, but you have to give us something to believe.

Tara Ryan said...

Dear Author,
Thank you so much for submitting your work to me. Unfortunately, The End of the Worlds is not a good fit for me at this time. I wish you much luck in your writing endeavors.
Agent-for-a-day

Kelly Guentner said...

Dear Author,
Thank you for the query. I regret to inform you that this is not the right work for me to represent at this time.

I wish you luck in your future writing career.

Sincerely,
Kelly Guentner

StrugglingToMakeIt said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for querying me. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm the right agent to represent your work.

Best,

Agent

(I don't know enough about the story from the query and the sample pages don't grab me.)

ikmar said...

Dear Author

Thank you for your query. Sorry, but it is not for me.

Sincerely,
Agent for the Day

Jen C said...

Dear Author,
Thank you for submitting your query to the Most Awesome Literary Agency Ever. I regret that, at this time, your project is not quite what I’m looking for. I wish you the best of luck in your continuing search for representation.
Sincerely,
Jen C.

Disgruntled Bear said...

Thank you for querying me. Unfortunately I am going to have to pass at this time.
I wish you the best of luck with another agent.

Sincerely,
Agent

Mira said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for submitting End of the Worlds' to my agency. I think the premise has great promise. Fantasy humor is a very difficult genre to write, and extremely popular and marketable when done well.

I agree with Lucy Ammunition who commented before me. I would urge you to continue working on, editing and polishing the work itself. Areas I might ask you to look at would be the flow and pacing of the writing. (Let the humor build more slowly, it goes rather fast for the reader to keep up.)

Please feel free to re-query me after doing so.

I wish you all the best!

Mira

Anonymous said...

No thank you. Best of luck in your endeavors.

-Agent Pro Tempore

Adam Heine said...

There aren't enough specifics in the query for me to make a decision. I'm sorry.

Melinda said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query, but unfortunately this project isn't right for me. Best of luck in your search for representation.

Sincerely,

Melinda

P.S. The query needs more specifics - tell us why his life is messed up. Also, while I enjoyed the voice and humor in the sample pages, I think the writing could be tighter. And watch out for the POV slips/head hopping.

Maricar said...

Dear Author,
Thank you for your query. However, your work does not fit our publishing needs at this time. Best of luck.

Annalee said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for the opportunity to consider your manuscript. I'm afraid it isn't right for me.

Regards,
-Annalee

-----------
Reason: This query needs to be fleshed out. "Really messed up" how? Jumping through worlds how? From the voice in the query, I couldn't tell whether or not the story was meant to be satire. The included pages showed some wit, but didn't really grab me.

Pinkie said...

Dear Author,

Neither your query nor the first two paragraphs grabbed my attention.

Thanks.
CPK

Soratian said...

Dear Author,

Thanks for your submission, but it's a no for me. Do refer to the submission guidelines on our website to see an example of how a pitch should be prepared.

Thanks,
Soratian

Meg Trotter said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query, but I'm afraid your writing didn't quite grab me enough.

Best of luck elsewhere,

Megan

Anonymous said...

Thank you for submitting The End of the Worlds, but I'm going to have to pass.

XWD Literary Agency

Patti K. said...

Thank you for your submission. I'm afraid it isn't right for me at this time. Good luck in your quest for the perfect agent.

Patti K.

Polenth said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission. As your story didn't resonate with me, I'm going to have to pass. Other agents might feel differently, so please don't cry! Good luck with your future submissions.

--
Polenth

EJN said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission. While your premise, characters, and a few of the details in your sample pages show promise, I'm afraid this work does not feel polished enough for me to request more material at this time. Please keep writing and keep trying. You are off to a good start.

Best of luck,
Agent EJN

Jeanne Tomlin said...

Form rejection

CJK said...

Thank you for your query. I am not interested in further materials on this work. Good luck with your search for representation. CJK

Eden said...

Thanks for the opportunity but I'm afraid I'll have to pass on representing this piece.

Best of luck with your writing.

~Eden

Katy said...

Thank you for your submission, but I have ultimately decided that this simply isn't the right fight for me.
Best of luck,
Katy

Pap said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your interest in my agency. However, I will not be requesting any further materials from you at this time. Please note that submissions are a very subjective business and my comments are not a critique on your writing ability. I strongly encourage you to continue your search for an agent and wish you all the best.

Your sincerely,

Make-believe Agency

donnas said...

Thank you for your submission. I feel that we are not the right agency for your work.

Best of luck.

MK said...

Dear Author,

Thanks for your submission. After careful consideration, I've decided this manuscript isn't for us at this time.

Good luck with your search.

Best,
Agent For a Day

Mystery Robin said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission, but I am not the right agent for this book. Best of luck!

Robin

Sage said...

Dear TEotW,

I didn't get a good enough sense of the novel from your query, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to pass.

Thanks,
Sage

Selene said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for contacting Selene Literary. After careful consideration, we regret to inform you that this project is not right for us. We wish you the best of luck in finding an agent that is as enthusiastic about this book as it deserves.

Best regards,
Selene Da Agent
Selene Literary

Sol said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission. Your letter is a good introduction to your work and I appreciate your willingness to read and follow guidelines for querying.

Unfortunately, as a pretend agent for a day, I am unable to represent you at this time. I am not familiar enough with the fantasy genre and am not a fair judge of your sample pages.

Kind regards,

Sol Nima

Nay said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query.
I will have to pass on this project, but best of luck to you.

-Nay

theflightytemptress said...

Dear The End of the Worlds,

Thank you for your submission, but unfortunately it’s not for me. Publishing is a very subjective business, though, and another agent may feel differently. Best of luck on your continued search.

Your blurb is very generic and doesn't give me an idea of what makes your book different. Also, the word count is a bit low for fantasy.

The characters seem interesting, but the writing is a bit apathetic for me. Too much passive voice.

Yours,

Kat Brauer

Annie said...

I'd pass.

Reason: the query is too short and doesn't give me anything to hook me. Is 'the young man' the same as Zach? The sample itself is full of repetition. Look at how often characters nod. Look at how often paragraphs start with a name. I'm thinking the query needs more detail and the writing itself more polish.

Poppy said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission. I am afraid that your work is not right for me at this time, however I would urge you to continue to submit to other agents: this is a subjective business.

Agent

writtenwyrdd said...

Dear Author:

Thank you for your submission, but your book is not appropriate for my current needs. I wish you luck in your future endeavors.

Sincerely,
Agent Me


Reasons: The query didn't grab me. Word choice was bland and didn't make me trust your ability as a writer. I did read the first paragraph, and while I liked your voice, it did underscored my impression that this story wasn't yet ready to be published. But, that said, there was a lot there to like!

Janny said...

Dear Author,

Thanks for querying me on THE END OF THE WORLDS, but this book isn't right for me. I wish you the best of luck placing it elswhere.

Sincerely,
Janny

thin said...

Dear Author,
While it seems like an interesting premise for a book, I'm sorry to say that I cannot take on the project. Thank you for considering me, and best of luck in the future.
Sincerely,
Thin

RW said...

Dear Author:

Thank you very much for your query. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to consider your work for representation. As you know, it’s a competitive market these days, and I don’t believe I have the right relationships to sell this project successfully. I do wish you luck in finding an agent and thank you for considering me.

Yours truly,

RW

CarrieK said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission, but your project does not meet our needs at this time.

CarrieK

Kats said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query, unfortunately The End of the Worlds is not the right project for me.

Best,
Agent for the Day, Kats

«Oldest ‹Older   1 – 200 of 349   Newer› Newest»
Related Posts with Thumbnails