Nathan Bransford, Author


Monday, April 13, 2009

Be An Agent for a Day: Query #45

This query is part of the Be an Agent for a Day contest. Rules and Regulations here

Please post your rejection or manuscript request in the comment section!



Dear Agent for a Day,

What if a sweet, romantic suspense writer, living a sheltered life on a peaceful barrier island in Florida, becomes the victim of a brutal hijacking? Her twin brother and friends are murdered, and she did nothing to prevent it, yet she managed to escape the killers herself. Knowing that the characters she creates in her novels are never helpless, and would never be victims, Sarah O’Connell is determined to become more like them. The rose tinted glasses through which she viewed life must be crushed, and then she can help bring the criminals to justice. It’s the path she chooses for redemption and to rid herself of her survivor’s guilt.

A handsome doctor, who lost his brother to the same killers and has military training, agrees to teach her self-defense. David Bjorn falls in love with her during the process. Instinctively, he wants to protect Sarah, but she wants to be able to protect herself. If he doesn’t help the now feisty writer, she’ll go elsewhere to get it. Not an acceptable option for the doc.

David Bjorn was an intellectually gifted child that completed medical school at a young age. Although most of his time was spent on his studies, rather than the pursuit of women, he’s smart enough to know his own heart. After spending time with Sarah, the perfect doctor’s wife, he can’t imagine living without her. However, the last thing Sarah needs is a romance to distract her from her goals.

The discovery that a ship impersonating a U.S. Coast Guard cutter was used in Sarah’s hijacking, and she is a witness, bring in the CIA. Now, because two civilians are involved, a special group of White Knights is formed. Then under the guise of a husband and wife medical team, Sarah and David help them locate the hijackers, and apprehend the thugs hiding in the jungles of Costa Rica. It’s a race between the CIA and a terrorist group who want the pseudo CG ship to form their own version of the Somalian Pirates attacking tankers and U.S. oil supplies in the Gulf of Mexico.

Under cover, as well as under the covers, Sarah and David begin to enjoy their pretend marriage too much for comfort. Sarah is afraid to hope, to trust her ability to separate fantasy from reality because she’s grieving, vulnerable, and made mistakes before. She’s unaware that beneath the doc’s polished veneer of a successful surgeon, he is not immune to the pain of shattered dreams.

Will Sarah be strong enough to protect herself when the hijackers again threaten her life? When David deliberately endangers himself to help the team and to avenge his brother’s murder, will Sarah have the emotional grit to help him? The sex and the time spent together are more than wonderful, but will the memories be enough once the mission is over?

I’d love to tell you more of the story. This is book one in a series about the White Knights (special agents with compassion) where three are complete.

Author

STATS: 2% request rate






327 comments:

«Oldest   ‹Older   1 – 200 of 327   Newer›   Newest»
Lucy A muse ision said...

Thanks.
Sorry.

Lucy A muse ision
fictitious agent

Josephine Damian said...

form rejection.

Barb said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission, but this is not for me. I wish you luck in finding a home for your manuscript.

All the best,
Barb

Megan said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query. Unfortunately, I will have to pass at this time.

Best,

Meg Spencer

Monika said...

Thank you for your submission, but I do not think this project is right us. This is a subjective business and other agencies will feel differently. We wish you every success with your project.

[I like it, and it is certainly topical, but I wasn't hooked. The query read more like a synopsis so I found myself skimming. Tighten and you'll have a winner.]

Kitti said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query, but this doesn't fit with what I am looking for.

Best of luck,
Kitti

suki said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query. I'm afraid this project isn't right for me. I wish you luck in your search for representation.

Regards,
Suki


Reasoning: The query could benefit from significant revision to tighten up the pitch and premise. Focus on the main protagonist and in 200 or so words, pitch her primary problem/decision clearly. However, I also found several of the plot points, IMO, implausible, so even with a stronger query, I'm not sure it would hook me. However, good luck.

H. Lifter said...

Dear Author:

Wow! You mean a suspense writer gets caught up real events remarkably similar to what they write about? You're kidding?
Never seen that before.

I also have a pet peeve about writers as characters.

Pass.

Regards,

Mr. Snark

AgentMan said...

form rejection

Anonymous said...

While it's a very interesting premise, the problems I see with this query are huge and many. First of all, there's no clear indication in the beginning of what we're dealing with. Thriller? Romantic suspense? What? how long is it?

And really, after this enormously rambling letter, the idea that it's just book one of a series is incredibly daunting. If it's tiring just reading the query, what must it be like reading the first book, let a lone the others?

With some really good critiquing, this could be cleaned up and passable.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Craven said...

Thank you for your consideration, but this isn't right for me at this time.

Best of luck, Craven

Anonymous said...

The sex and the time spent together are more than wonderfulWeird. Pass.

David said...

Dear Author:

Thanks for your submission, but this doesn't sound right for me.

reader said...

I've been answering queries all damn day, and I gotta tell you I'm starting to get a little mean. The only thing here that piqued my interest was the mention of sex -- simply because I think it's the first time its been mentioned all day, which at least makes this query stand out.

However, this is a Form Reject, because I'm tired of FBI agents, slueths and detectives trying to find who killed who and how. Which is odd, because I like violence!

Sorry, a more tolerant agent might love this. Best of luck to you.

Anonymous said...

Clearly a beginning writer who has never researched query format or queries. Which is okay. Everyone starts somewhere. But this would be a pass for me if I was an agent.

Anonymous said...

Dear Author,

Regretfully, I must pass on this

Agent XXX


**This was interesting, to say the least. You've got a lot going on, and that may be the problem but lines like this "Under cover, as well as under the covers" will make this a memorable query for me. Edit it, and tell more about the murders. Losing twin brothers is high drama, and she seemed to get over it too quickly.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jenn Johansson said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for letting me review your query. Unfortunately, I don't think this is a good fit for me at this time.

Best of luck!
JJ

Matilda McCloud said...

Thanks for your query. Unfortunately I'll have to pass on this one.

Keep writing!

With my very best regards,

Matilda McCloud

wickerman said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query. I am afraid I must pass on this at this time.

Best of Luck,

The Wickerman

Executive Mail Clerk, Bransford Lit

Casey said...

Dear Author:

Thank you for your time and consideration. Unfortunately, I’m afraid I’m not the right agent to represent this and your career as a writer.

Best wishes,

Casey

Superfast said...

Thank you so much for your submission. Unfortunately, I don't feel I'm the right agent to represent your work.

Good luck and keep writing!

SelfAppointedNiceGuy said...

Some of you may want to check here http://nathanbransford.blogspot.com/2009/04/interrupting-be-agent-for-day.html

You're starting to get mean again.

selestial-owg said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission. While I occasionally represent romance, it has to be something incredibly special to grab my interest, and I'm afraid I'm just not passionate enough about your story to proceed further. Best of luck with your search.

Selestial


Starts with a rhetorical question and then goes into a rather long-winded mini-synopsis. I never felt hooked.

lesleylsmith said...

Dear Author,
Thank you for your query letter.
Unfortunately, your novel is not a good fit for me.
Good luck!
-Lesley
p.s. This premise is promising. I'd like to see the letter focus more on the unusual aspects of this work, i.e. the White Knights. FYI, the female character reminds me a lot of Alexandra Rover from Nim's Island.

Agent X said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for taking the time to query. I'm afraid this isn't the right piece for me. I wish you the best of luck.

Sincerely,

Agent X

Cindy said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for submitting your query. I found the story idea intriguing, however the the manuscript is not right for me at this time.

All the best,
Cindy

(If the query was worked on, tightened up and drew me in more, though, I would have asked for extra pages.)

Vicky said...

Thank you for querying our agency. Unfortunately, this project is not right for us. Best of luck finding representation for your work.

All best.

jimnduncan said...

Thank you for querying me, but I'm afraid I must pass on your story. Best of luck in your continued writing endeavors.

(reason: holy crap this query is long. There might be an interesting story in here, but it sounds a bit too much like romantic suspense stories I've seen on the shelves. This needs to be tightened up a lot.)

hannah said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query, but this isn't right for me.

Best,
hannah

brian_ohio said...

Thank you for your query. I'm afraid this isn't right for me.

Best,

Brian

Polenth said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission. I regret to inform you that due to the state of the industry, the poor economy, the subjective nature of books and the state of the sunspot cycle, I'm going to have to pass.

Other agents might feel differently, so please don't cry! Good luck with your future submissions.

--
Polenth

[[Out of Character Note: If I were really Nathan, and not roleplaying him for a day, I'd be going "Rhetorical question! Die! Die! Die!". In short, it didn't feel like the author had researched the agent. I do think this one could work with some tightening / shortening.]]

Megan said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for taking the time to submit.

I regret to inform you that at this time I would like to pass on your book.

Although it sounds like it has some potential, I can't really connect with the characters; nor do I find myself wanting to know more. It needs some tightening.

Best of luck in the future,

Regards,
Agent for a Day, Bookworm Megs

dhole said...

Dear Author, thanks for your query. Unfortunately, it's not right for my list, best of luck, etc.

scj said...

Sorry, but I have to pass. The story sounds interesting and like something I'd want to read, but the query needs editing and focus; I fear the manuscript will be the same. Best of luck.

jjdebenedictis said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your recent query; discovering new talent is one of the joys of being a literary agent, and I am always honoured to have the opportunity to read a writer's best work.

Please accept my regrets, however, as I won't be offering to represent this novel. I apologize for informing you of this using a form letter, but the volume of mail I receive makes it impractical for me to give personalized rejections.

I wish you the very best luck in finding a literary agent whose enthusiasm will bring your book the success it deserves!

Sincerely,
J. J. DeGoblin

~~~~~~~
For your reference, here are the most common reasons why I decline certain queries. Please note that if your submission was very good, my reasons for rejecting it were probably much subtler than the items on this list and cannot be put quickly into words. Again, I apologize for this form letter, but I cannot invest the time to critique those submissions I have chosen to not represent. Thank you for your understanding.


Most common reasons why I decline manuscripts:[ ]--The manuscript is in a genre which I don't represent

[ ]--The query appears to be a non-personalized mass mailing

[ ]--The query/manuscript's presentation was worryingly unpolished
(E.g. Many spelling, grammar, punctuation or homophone errors; a non-standard format)

[ ]--The writing doesn't seem polished enough
(This improves with practice; your next novel may be excellent)

[ ]--The plot doesn't sound compelling enough
(Again, this improves with practice and self-education)

[ X ]--The plot sounds too similar to something book-buyers have already seen


Comments, if any:This might be a very good story, but the query is not concise, and I worry the book might suffer from the same problem. More importantly, however, although I think Sarah's journey is a touching one, I'm not sure this story is different enough from others on the market to be easily sold.

Amy said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, this project is not right for me at this time.

Sincerely,
Amy

sraasch said...

Dear Author,

Not for me, sorry!

Thanks!

PPP said...

Dear Author,

Who doesn't like special agents?

Still, this writing isn't tight enough for me. Someone else may disagree.

Signed,
PPP

Bija Andrew Wright said...

It has potential, but the query is seriously unpolished. I'd say no.

Robert A Meacham said...

Dear author:
While the story may have legs, I was hoping to find an immediate hook and was distracted immediately by the opening question.

Heather said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query, but it's not for me.

Good luck!
Heather

Anonymous said...

Dear Author of Query #45,

Thank you for your query, but this project isn't right for me.

KathyF

Madison said...

Dear Author,

Thank you so much for submitting your work and considering me to represent it. While the story sounds quite interesting, I am afraid it does not fit my list at this point in time and I must regretfully pass. I know rejections can be hard to take, but please keep submitting and following your dream.

Best of luck in your agent hunt!

Sincerely,

Madison

Reason for rejection: Too long and a paragraph of questions? Someone hasn't done thier research.

Barbara Webb said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission, but I'm going to pass.

Best of luck!

Barbara

Cassandra said...

Dear Author,

I was most intrigued by your novel and as such, I am pleased to offer you representation for it. Please send the completed manuscript in the form of a word document as soon as possible to my personal email [redacted] with the subject “Request”

I look forward to receiving your manuscript and beginning our author/agent partnership.

Regards,
Cassandra

Merry Monteleone said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your interest in The Only Literary Agency Insane Enough To Trust Me With Queries. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to pass.

Best of luck,

Merry

Derek said...

Dear Author,

I have maxed out on manuscript requests for today, so I must pass on this one.

Agent For A Day.

Anonymous said...

Dear Author,

Sorry, but not for me.

Agent99

Endless Secrets said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query, but this is not something I can represent.

Best of luck to you

-Lea

Gwen said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your interest. Unfortunately, this project is not a good fit for me at the present time.

Regards,

Gwen

Sasha said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission. You have a compelling, authoritative narrative voice, and I'm confident that your agent search will soon be fruitful. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm the best agent to represent your work.

Good luck and yours truly,
AftD

Comments: I think the query letter could be significantly tightened- by dropping the extensive backstory, etc- and thus made more compelling. In my opinion, a stronger, more concise letter would better do justice to your interesting story and articulate, clear writing style.

Agent KES said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for submitting your query. Unfortunately, I am not able to offer you representation at this time. Best of luck,

Agent KES

Mystery Robin said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission, but I am not the right agent for this book. Best of luck!

Robin

Dawn G. said...

Dear Author,

Unfortunately, I am unable to offer you representation at this time. Thank you for submitting your work for consideration. Please keep me in mind for future projects.

Kindest Regards,

D. Agent

Other Lisa said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately it's not what I'm looking for. Best of luck in your search for representation, and keep writing!

Sincerely,

Agent X

PCB said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for submitting your query. We are not in a position to represent you at this time, but wish you all the very best in your writing endeavors.

Sincerely,
PCB

Megan said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query. Unfortunately, your book isn't right for me. Agenting is subjective, though, and I wish you the best of luck!

Sincerely,
Megan

EJ Lange said...

Author,

Thank you for submitting your query. Unfortunately, it is not right for me at this time. Good luck in your search for representation.

Agent Erin

Caroline said...

Dear Author:

I don't feel excited enough about this story to represent it. Please send along your future projects.

Best of luck,

Agent Caroline

K. Andrew Smith said...

Dear author,

Thank you for the submission. Unfortunately, it is not quite right for me. I wish you good fortune in your search for an agent.


Sincerely,

K. Andrew Smith

Jen C said...

Dear Author,
Thank you for submitting your query to the Most Awesome Literary Agency Ever. I regret that, at this time, your project is not quite what I’m looking for. I wish you the best of luck in your continuing search for representation.
Sincerely,
Jen C.

Laurie said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query. While your premise is intriguing, I have to pass on your manuscript at this time.

Best of luck to you,
Laurie

P.S. I agree with other commenters about tightening your query. It got off to a promising start, but then it seemed to go on and on. I would use your query to try to pitch your novel, not give a synopsis of it because I suspect you are a good writer with a decent manuscript, but I can't be sure from this query.

Ello said...

Dear Author,

I'm afraid I have to pass but best of luck.

Side note - I bet there is a terrific story buried somewhere in this long letter but I think it is going to take some time and some winnowing to get it out of the query. And I know query letters are hard. This is more of a synopsis than a query. Remember the art of query writing is in the compelling hook. Best of luck to you!

ccallicotte4 said...

Thank you for sending me your query. I appreciate you considering me.

I reviewed your proposal and unfortunately am going to pass on representing it. Please keep in mind that this is a subjective business, and another agent may feel differently. I encourage you to query widely.

Best of luck to you.

bridge said...

Dear Author,
Thank you for your query. It isn't right for me at this time.
Sincerely,
Bridge
On a personal note, this is way, way too long. Don't introduce so many characters, it doesn't sound good. It needs to be pared down to a main idea or conflict. Show don't tell. I liked the idea. The story might be great. It is just bogged down under so much information.
Hope this helps
Bridge

Megan said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for taking the time to submit.

I regret to inform you that at this time I would like to pass on your book.

Best of luck in the future,

Regards,
Agent for a Day, Bookworm Megs

Laura said...

Dear Author,

Thanks for your query, but the premise is not a good fit for me.

Best of luck,

Agent Laura

p.s. this seems like a good premise, I'm just not a fan of that genre.

Harsh Critic said...

The query is overly wordy and I worry that the manuscript will be too. Also, some of the events seemed implausible.

Sorry, not for me.

Christine Rose said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query, but this isn't right for me at this time.

Best of luck,
Agent for a Day

Anonymous said...

No thank you. Best of luck in your endeavors.

-Agent Pro Tempore

Kristi said...

Thank you for your query. I don't feel this is right for me but I wish you the best of luck.

Sincerely,
Kristi

Rick Daley said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your interest in The Authors Write Literary Agency. I have reviewed your query and I’m sorry to say that I do not feel that I am the best agent to represent your work at this time.

Your plot shows depth, but without a sense of genre, word count, or even a title (is it WHITE KNIGHTS?) I'm afraid I don't know enough about the work to take it on, despite the lengthy synopsis included in your query.

Please keep in mind that there are many talented agents out there, and opinions are subjective based on individual preferences, workload, and market climate.

Don’t be afraid to research other agents and query those that you feel are best suited to represent your work. Best of luck!

Regards,

Daley Agent for a Day

quixotic said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query, however, I do not feel excited enough about it to request anything further.

Good luck in your search for an agent.

Quixotic

Amy said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for thinking of me, your novel sounds interesting but it's not for me at this time.

Good luck with your search for an agent.

Kind regards,

amyandnick

PurpleClover said...

Dear Author:

I'm sorry but I can not represent you at this time.

Regards,
PC

StrugglingToMakeIt said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for querying me. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm the right agent to represent your work.

Best,

Agent

Disgruntled Bear said...

Thank you for querying me. Unfortunately I am going to have to pass at this time.
I wish you the best of luck with another agent.

Sincerely,
Agent

:)Ash said...

Dear Author:

Thank you for your interest in my agency. Unfortunately, I do not feel I am the right agent for you at this time. Best wishes as you continue your search.

Sincerely yours,

:)Ash

Author: I think you should tighten (and shorten) this query.

ikmar said...

Dear Author

Thank you for your query. Sorry, but it is not for me.

Sincerely,
Agent for the Day

Onovello said...

Dear Author:

Many thanks for your query.

Unfortunately, I am not the right agent for this project.

With all best wishes,
Onovello

Tara Ryan said...

Dear Author,
Thank you so much for submitting your work to me. Unfortunately, this is not a good fit for me at this time. I wish you much luck in your writing endeavors.
Agent-for-a-day

ai-hua said...

Form rejection.

Sheila said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Leslie said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query letter. Unfortunately, we are not the right agency for this romance and/or mystery.

Best wishes, Leslie

IQOkie said...

Dear Author,

After reading 50 queries I'm afraid the sight of a very long one caused me to recoil and hit the rejection button--sorry.

Tricia

Karen said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query. I think you have an interesting concept here, but I am going to pass at this time.

I would suggest that it might be beneficial if you streamline your query and make your premise tighter, so as to avoid confusing important plot points with simple background information.

I wish you luck.

Karen

Beatriz Kim said...

Dear White Nights Author,

Thank you for your query letter. Unfortunately, I will not be able to represent you at this time.

Sincerely,
BK

Jeanne Tomlin said...

Form reject with rant against rhetorical questions appended.

Sharon aka Sapphire said...

Dear Author,
Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, I do not feel it is right for me. Remember that my opinion is just one. I urge you to continue to seek out representation with your manuscript.

Best wishes,
Sharon

Katy said...

Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, I do not feel compelled by your story or your writing, and therefore will have to pass.
Best of luck,
Katy

DeadlyAccurate said...

Dear Author:

Thank you for your query and I apologize for this form reply.

I regret I have to pass on many interesting projects due to time constraints. I wish you the best of luck in securing representation elsewhere.


Sincerely,

DeadlyAccurate

Bane of Anubis said...

Dear Author,

Thanks for your submission, but it isn't right for me. Best of luck,

Bane

(reasoning: while there's an interesting plot here, there's too much going on in this query for me - it needs focus - who's the main MC - is it told from two POVs, etc. Needs to be condensed, IMO)

bookshop said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your recent submission. I regret that I am unable to offer you representation at this time. I wish you luck in your search for representation.

Regards,

Bookshop

_______

(Hi!

There's a good story in here somewhere buried under all that plot! Unfortunately I am having trouble finding it, so what I think would be helpful for you, if this is a real query, would be to completely start over. Just sweep all that plot aside.

Now ask yourself three questions:

What does my main character want?What happens to her to keep her from getting it?What's she going to do about it?As this story straddles the division between suspense and romance and moves back and forth between dozens of plot elements, the only thing for you to do for us is sell us on the three questions above.

Convince us that our heroine has a goal and something's interfering with it, be it a highjacking or something else, and then show us how she's going to fight like hell to win against whatever mess she's stumbled into.

If you can do that, honestly, you won't need to throw in half the plot elements you mention above, because they only serve to confuse and distract us.

Just focus on those three questions and write a query that leaves us rooting for her to get what she wants, wanting to watch her fight for it.

I think you can do it! Good luck!)

Kavanaugh and Byrne's LA said...

Dear Author

Thank you opportunity to consider your work at Kavanaugh and Byrne’s Literary Agency.

We do not feel that are the best match with this project.
We wish you every success with this and other ventures

Flower Kavanaugh

Your query letter would be much improved if it were half the length.
I'm finding it hard to focus and I only have to survive one day doing this.

kdrausin said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for requesting my representation. I applaud your determination and effort in completing your novel. Your story is not right for me at this time; however I encourage you to keep writing and pursuing publication.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

Sincerely,

KDrausin (I know how difficult it can be to shorten a novel to a single paragraph. After today's exercise I see why queries must be concise. Every word must count and grab the readers attention. If we don't do it in our queries, why would an agent believe we would do it in our novels?-just an observation from today's lesson

Pap said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your interest in my agency. However, I will not be requesting any further materials from you at this time. Please note that submissions are a very subjective business and my comments are not a critique on your writing ability. I strongly encourage you to continue your search for an agent and wish you all the best.

Your sincerely,

Make-believe Agency

M. K. Clarke said...

Except for the line "under cover as well as under the covers," this query, for the premise you're hooking, isn't holding to the hook. Great line, though. Gotta start somewhere, right?

It's late and I'm getting bleary-eyed. I'm sure your book'll find a home with incredible representation, after a solid round of critiquing and a hard editing scrub,query included. As is: Thumbs down.

Appreciate the read.

~M.K.C.

Carrie said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for considering My Agency for your next project. Unfortunately, your manuscript does not fit within my needs at this time.


Thank you,

Agent For a Day.

KC in SF said...

Thank you for your query. I'm afraid this project isn't right for me.

I wish you the best of luck,

KC in SF

Krista said...

Sorry, form rejection.

David de Beer said...

Dear Author,

thanks for your interest but unfortunately I am going to pass this time.

Sincerely,
David de Beer

Eden said...

Thanks for the opportunity but I'm afraid I'll have to pass on representing this piece.

Best of luck with your writing.

~Eden

MK said...

Dear Author,

Thanks for your submission. After careful consideration, I've decided this manuscript isn't for us at this time.

Good luck with your search.

Best,
Agent For a Day

Cat Hellisen said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query.  Your proposal is interesting, but I don't feel that the project is quite right for me. I wish you the best of luck in finding representation elsewhere.

Best,
Cat.

Renee Collins said...

Dear Author,

Thanks, but not quite right for me.

Best of luck,

Renee

Vic K said...

Thank you for submitting to my agency, however I am not able to offer representation at this time.

Regards,
Vic K.

Reason; Okay, truth is I've read all fifty and I'm starting to realise how much personal opinion is involved. This doesn't catch me.

Madhat said...

Dear Author:

I'm going to have to pass. Thanks.

-Agent

Reason: Mainly, it's not my type of book. But the query was also long and riddled with rhetorical questions.
What if a sweet, romantic suspense writer, living a sheltered life on a peaceful barrier island in Florida, becomes the victim of a brutal hijacking? (Everyone is happy? There's no good answer to this question. Rephrase it).

Adam Heine said...

I feel like there needs to be more motivation for Sarah to go after the killers. Are they after her? Will anything bad happen (to her or anyone she directly cares about) if she just lets them go?

I'm sorry, but this isn't right for me. Thank you for submitting and good luck.

CJK said...

Thank you for your query. I am not interested in further materials on this work. Good luck with your search for representation. CJK

Melinda said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query, but unfortunately this project isn't right for me. Best of luck in your search for representation.

Sincerely,

Melinda

Thomas said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission. However, your work does not match our current needs. We wish you luck in your future endeavors.

Sincerely,

Tally

Sage said...

Dear White Knights,

I'm sorry, but I didn't connect with the plot as much as I would have liked. Perhaps another agent will.

Thanks,
Sage

romoak said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission, but this is not right for me.

-- I felt overloaded with info that didn't mesh together. It didn't hook me.

Melissa said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for submitting your manuscript, but I don't think I'm the right agent for it. Best of luck.

Thoughts: The query would benefit from some cutting. The question at the beginning doesn't work, either.

Brigita said...

Thank you for sending me your query. Unfortunately, this project is not right for me. I wish you the best of luck in securing representation elsewhere.

The Things We Carried said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query. I am sorry to inform you i am not the right agent to represent your work.

Sincerely,

Selene said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for contacting Selene Literary. After careful consideration, we regret to inform you that this project is not right for us. We wish you the best of luck in finding an agent that is as enthusiastic about this book as it deserves.

Best regards,
Selene Da Agent
Selene Literary

Annie said...

Pass.

Reason: Way too long, too rambling. I am strongly not a fan of starting a query with a rhetorical question.

Nay said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query.
I will have to pass on this project, but best of luck to you.
-Nay

Nixy Valentine said...

Dear Author:

I'm sorry, but I'm not the right agent for your project.

Notes: Consolidate your hook into one paragraph. The query letter isn't the place to summarise everything that happens in the novel. I would also chop off the "What if" and let it stand as a statement rather than a question.

You also list no wordcount or genre. I gather that it's something like romantic suspense, but don't make the agent guess.

Jeni said...

Dear White Knights,
Thank you for your query. I sincerely appreciate the opportunity to review your proposal, and found the premise for your manuscript intriguing. However, I’m afraid that the manuscript does not meet my needs at this time. Please do continue to send your work to other agents, as someone else may feel differently.
Best of luck in your publishing endeavors,
Jeni

austere said...

Dear Author #45,

Regrets.

Good luck with your writing.

Regards,

Sol said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query. You have presented an intriguing, suspenseful overview of your work. Unfortunately I am unable to request a partial at this time.

Kind regards,

Sol Nima

Julie Weathers said...

Dear Author,

There were interesting points in your submission, but I’m afraid I can’t offer representation. This is a subjective business, and what appeals to one reader doesn’t always appeal to another. With my current workload, I have to be very discriminating and take on only projects I am passionate about.

I urge you to continue your quest to be published and wish you the best of luck.

Sincerely,

J.M. Agent

Julie Weathers said...

Dear Author,

This sounds interesting to me. Please read my submission guidelines and send a partial.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

J.M. Agent

(It sounds a bit cliche, but I think it has potential and I'm willing to take a chance you can pull it off.)

Jessumby said...

Dear Author

Thank you for sending me your query. I regret to inform you that it does not suit the needs of my list at this time.

Regards, Jessumby

Chris Eldin said...

This is way too long, and I'm confused who the main character is.

Form rejection.

theflightytemptress said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission, but unfortunately it’s not for me. Publishing is a very subjective business, though, and another agent may feel differently. Best of luck in your continued search.

I could not find the title or word count. I assume the genre is romantic suspense, but that was also not obvious. Try to interweave the plot with the sexual tension a bit better, as the blurb meandered quite a bit.

Yours,

Kat Brauer

thin said...

o
Dear Author,
While it seems like an interesting premise for a book, I'm sorry to say that I cannot take on the project. Thank you for considering me, and best of luck in the future.
Sincerely,
Thin

RW said...

Dear Author:

Thank you very much for your query. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to consider your work for representation. As you know, it’s a competitive market these days, and I don’t believe I have the right relationships to sell this project successfully. I do wish you luck in finding an agent and thank you for considering me.

Yours truly,

RW

Keri Ford said...

Thank you for submitting, but unfortunately I didn’t connect with this story idea.

Good Luck,
Keri


<><><><><>
There's too much information here. Cut this in half, at least. It looks like you couldn't decide what aspect you needed to focus your story on, so really break it down and look for your hook. I THINK it's Kristin Nelson who says to pitch what happens in the first 30-50 pages. That's what hooks the reader to keep going.

Getabo Publishing said...

Whilst I like some of the storylines and they may be popular with romance adventure readers, as a query this is far too long for me, and it could be improved if the balance were given to a more concise plot summary and a short statement on genre, length and why this book is a good fit for this particular agent.

Suggestions: include the genre and word count and emphasize the focus on this one book, rather than the details on the series.

Pretend your query was limited to a max of 300 words - what is essential and what would you edit out?

What's the key to the plot and motivations that will really 'hook' me in the first paragraph? If I'm really busy and don't like the first paragraph I might not see the incentive to read on - grab me early on! (There's so many great tips on Nathan's blog on a query - re-read them and see how it could be more compelling as a query - and you know, NB recommends not to start with a rhetorical question, I'm sure that was there just for fun....)

***
Thank you for your query. Unfortunately we do not think that your book would be a likely prospect for our list.

We regret that the large number of submissions we receive makes it impossible to offer individual comment. We believe it is more important to read and evaluate every query / submission we receive with due consideration.

We appreciate you thinking of Getabo Creative Publishing, and wish you the best of luck with your manuscript and future writing endeavors.

Sincerely.
The Editors
Getabo Creative Publishing

Lauren H.K. said...

Dear Author,

Thanks for your query, but I do not feel enthusiastic enough about your project to pursue representation at this time. Please feel free to query me with future projects.

Best regards,

Agent L.

Poppy said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission. I am afraid that your work is not right for me at this time, however I would urge you to continue to submit to other agents: this is a subjective business.

Agent

Dale - Las Vegas said...

Thank you for your submission but it doesn't seem right for me at this time.

Good luck in the future.

Moth said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for submitting your query to Moth's Literary Agency. While your story sounds interesting, I'm afraid it's just not right for us. Best of luck in your writing career.

Sincerely,
Moth

Deniz Bevan said...

Thank you for your query, but I wouldn't be the right agent in this instance.
I wish you luck finding the right home for your work.
Sincerely,
Ms Agent Agency

Ulysses said...

Thanks for submitting your query. Unfortunately, I don't feel I am the agent to represent this work.

Lisa R said...

Dear White Knights:

Thank you for your query. Unfortunately your project is not right for me. Another agent may feel differently. Best of luck,

Lisa R

Jabez said...

Thank you for your query. Unfortunately, I do not believe I am the best agent to represent your manuscript. Best of luck in your quest for publication.

Sherry Ficklin said...

Dear Author,
Thank you for thnkig of me, but I'm going to have to pass. Best of luck finding another agent!

Sincerely, Agent Faux

John said...

Dear Author,

Thanks for giving me the chance to consider your work. Unfortunately, it's not something I think I can sell at present. I wish you the best of luck in your writing career.

Brigid said...

Form rejection

Dara said...

Dear Author of White Knights series,

Thank you for your query. Unfortunately I do not think I am the right person for this book. I wish you success in your search for representation.

Best,

Dara

Specifics: Query is too long and I got lost trying to follow the actual story. Try to narrow the focus in the letter to keep the agent's attention.

educlaytion said...

Thank you for your submission, but your book is not for me. Good luck in the future.

Soratian said...

Dear Author,

Thanks for your query but I'm afraid I'll be passing on this one as it's not the right match for me. I wish you all the best in your search for an agent.

Regards,
Soratian

(Comments: it does feel rather cobbled-together: a hijacking tragedy, self-defense lessons, a pretend marriage. I'd need the pitch to be more focused. For example, the whole first para can be condensed into "A survivor of a brutal ship hijacking, Sarah has vowed to become a vigilante who will hunt down the criminals, etc...")

Pinkie said...

Dear Author,

Perhaps is this book were for a fairly young audience, I'd forgive the cliched character descriptions. But since I suspect it is for an adult audience, I'm afraid I don't see it becoming a "must read" in that category.

Thanks.
CPK

Sarah Laurenson said...

Form rejection.


I got bored halfway through. Too many words, I think.

Sun Up said...

Sounds like a fun story, but this isn't the genre for me. Good luck!


best regards,
Alicia

JuJu said...

Dear Author,

Though your project shows some promise and sounds interesting, unfortunately it is just not the right one for me. Please keep in mind that appeal as a novel is entirely subjective – so keep at it!

Sincerely,
JuJu

lucy in the sky said...

Thank you for your query. Unfortunately I do not believe I am the best person to represent your work.

Fairduncan said...

Dear Author

Thanks for querying us. I regret I have to pass on this one, but wish you every success in finding representation.

Cordially Yours,
Agent

Savannah Pens said...

Dear Author: Thank you for your query regarding your manuscript in the White Knights series, however I must pass. May I suggest future queries be shortened. I believe your query would be more effective with more of a concise hook at the beginning, and a much briefer description (2 paragraphs max) regarding the characters and the internal and external conflicts that will be faced in the plot. This query reads more like a synopsis. I did not see a title for the manuscript, a genre or a word length. Nor did you provide me any information about you. Best wishes. Savannah Pens Agent

Tree said...

Dear Author:
I want to thank you very much for giving me the opportunity to consider your work. Unfortunately, I did not connect well enough with your project to pursue it further. As I'm sure you know, agenting is a very subjective business. Although your project didn't fit with my particular list, another agent may respond very differently.
Please accept my best wishes for success in your writing career and finding the perfect advocate for your work.
Sincerely,
Tree

Janeal C. Falor said...

Thank you for the opportunity to look at you work. Unfortunately, I don't feel this is the right project for me.

Sophie W. said...

Dear Author,

Although your work shows merit, I cannot request further materials at this time. Keep in mind that this business is terribly subjective, and you'll probably get the chance to thumb your nose at me in the future.

Love,

Sophie

Heather Harper said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission. After careful consideration, I regret that I’m unable to request your manuscript at this time.

Best,
Agent for a day

Lipstick Lizzie said...

Dear Author,

Thanks for the chance to look at your work. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’m the right agent for this project.

Best of luck,
Lizzie

Venus Vaughn said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query, your project doesn't meet my needs at this time.
Best of luck to you in your writing career.

~Venus Vaughn

Meggrs said...

Form rejection.

Sheila said...

I'm going to go out on a limb here and request pages. While I'm concerned they may show signs of overwriting (the query is too long), I'm intrigued by the plot here. It's a little bit Romancing the Stone, though, so I will be wary.

Gregory said...

Dear Author;

Form rejection.

Cordially,

Agent Gregory

[Lots of work needed here. Rhetorical question (no-no). Rambling. No clear hook. Part of a series (often an instant rejection for a new author). But does the writer have potential? Sure. Lots of tightening needed in the query, with a strong hook. We have to assume the writing in the query is better than most of the writing in the book(!). I could be dead wrong, but I assume people spend more careful time on the query than on most pages of the book, and by a wide margin. So the query needs to be really good, really tight. Plant that hook, right up front!]

Maryann Miller said...

We regret that we cannot offer representation for this work. Good luck elsewhere

Kats said...

Dear Author,

Thanks for your query, but this is not the right project for me.

Best,
Agent for a Day, Kats

Amethyst Greye Alexander said...

Dear Author,

I've reviewed your query but am afraid your project isn't a good fit with the works I represent. I hope you won't let this discourage you, however, as every agent has different tastes and you're sure to find representation that will better suit your needs.

Thank you for considering me.
Amethyst Adams

Anonymous said...

Form Rejection.

Agent DC

Bertha Lavelle said...

Dear Author,
Thank you for your query. This one's not for me,
Bertha

Wandering Spirit said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for taking the time to submit your query. Unfortunately your book is not of a genre that I am best suited to represent. However, all writing is of value and I wish you the best in your endeavours.

Best wishes

Agent for a Day

JohnO said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lupina said...

Thank you but it's not for me at this time.

Larry Writer said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query, unfortunately this is not the right project for me.

Best regards,

Larry

(not at all my type of story so I could hardly sell it even if it may be amusing/exciting to many people)

Sara Cox Landolt said...

Dear Author,
I received and read your query. I'm going to pass. Keep working on your hook--grab the reader/agent with your first sentence. Find something stronger.

Best to you,
Agent SCL

Patti K. said...

Thank you for your submission but I do not believe it is right for me at this time. Good luck on your quest for the perfect agent.

Patti K.

Lindsey said...

Dear Author,

Thanks for your submission, but it's not right for me.

I struggled to follow the outline of the plot so not sure I'd get on with the real thing. If you can tighten this up you might have better luck next time.

I wish you the best of luck in your search for representation.

Regards,

Lindsey

Lois Lavrisa said...

Dear Author,

While I appreciate your consideration of our agency, I will have to pass on your project.
I am sorry to say I did not have the passionate response to it that I would need to request more or offer you representation. Obviously you want an agent who will stand enthusiastically behind your work.

Additionally, given today’s publishing climate I do not believe I would be able to get you the attention from a publisher that your book deserves.

Publishing is very subjective, though, and another agent may well feel differently.

I do wish you success in finding representation and, once again, thank you for the opportunity to consider your work.

Sincerely,

Lois Lavrisa
Agent for a day

The Writers Canvas said...

Thanks for your submission. At the present time, it doesn't fit our list. I wish you the best with another agent who might be a better fit.

Elaine

PS - Not sure if you've gotten this feedback or not, but I find many agents are critical/wanting to pass when it comes to characters who are writers. Just my own experience from previous manuscripts myself :)

Lucy said...

Dear Author: Thank you for contacting us. Unfortunately, we do not feel that we are a suitable agency to represent your work. We wish you every success in your search for an agent. Sincerely, L. C.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your query, but I'm afraid this isn't right for me.

cwsherwoodedits said...

Thank you for your query. I'm going to have to pass.

Raven56 said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for querying "Agent for a Day" Agency. Unfortunately, we do not feel this story is a good fit for our list at this time. We encourage you to continue querying other agents.

Best of luck,

Raven56

Marilyn Peake said...

Dear Author:

Thank you for your query. I regret to inform you that I cannot offer you representation at this time. Please do not in any way interpret this as meaning that your book doesn’t have merit or that you should give up on writing. Follow your dreams. I wish you all the best in your search for a literary agent.

Sincerely,
Writerly Angst Literary Agent

Anonymous said...

Dear Author,

Thank your for your interest in our agency. However, I'm afraid this isn't quite right for us. Best of luck in your future endeavors.

Sincerely,

Agent.

(Query started strongly but quickly lost focus. I felt the story was moved out of the exciting peril of the opening sentence to something rather blah.)

KareFree Kennels said...

White Knights


Sorry, not for me.

Best of luck,
Sheryl

Maricar said...

Dear Author,
Thank you for your query. I would like to know more about your book. Please send me the first 50 pages as a Word document.

Just_Me said...

Dear Author,

After serious consideration I am afraid I will have to pass on this novel. If you revise and rewrite your query I would be interested in seeing the revision and the first five pages.

Sincerely,
Agent

Note: I liked the concept to start, but the name had me running to google. Wasn't that from the Terminator series or something? And then the query kept going on with no word count in sight! I admit, my eyes glazed and I may have missed it. Revise the query and try again.

Annalee said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for the opportunity to consider your manuscript. I'm afraid it isn't right for me.

Regards,
-Annalee

-----------
Reason: Way, way, waaay too long. Find the central conflict and leave everything else for the synopsis. Query for one project at a time. Unless the other White Knight books are already published, I'd leave them out. Also, in the story you describe, the bit about the White Knights seems completely tangential. If they're the main thrust of the story, the query isn't showing that.

Horserider said...

Dear Author:

Thank you for allowing us to consider your work. I’m sorry to say that this is not something we are interested in at this time. We receive hundreds of submissions every week and, unfortunately, cannot take them all on. This is a very subjective business and I wish you luck on your journey to publication.

Sincerely,

Horserider Literary Agency

Audrey E said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for query. I'm afraid that this piece isn't right for me and I will have to pass at this time.

Yours,
Audrey

TFree said...

Thank you for considering me. Unfortunately, this piece isn’t right for me at this time. Good luck with this and future endeavors.

TF

Tamara said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your query. I wish you the best of luck finding a home for this project, but after consideration, I have to say it's not for me.

Best wishes,
Agent for a Day
(Tamara)

Newbee said...

Form Rejection...

Diana said...

Thought this query had a great start and I was definitely interested, but I thought it went a little long and covered too much detail about the plot. You capture the relationship between Sarah and the doctor well in the beginning, so perhaps you can tighten and take out some of the romantic storylines at the end. Would also love a little more detail on the White Knights, since that is the name of the series. Thought that was more important than the extra details about the cruise ship and the hijackers.

sKim said...

Thank you for sending this original proposal. We regret that it doesn't suit our needs at the moment. Best of luck to you.

Taymalin said...

Dear Author,

Thank you for your submission, but this story is not for me at this time. Best of luck with your future endeavors,

Taymalin

The Classic Carol said...

Dear Author:
Please re-query according to my posted submission guidelines, be succinct, offer word count, genre, etc. Thank you.

SGF said...

Dear Author,
Thank you for your query. I read it but unfortunately have to pass on it.
I wish you the best of luck in finding representation.
Regards,
SGF

JohnO said...

Dear Author,

Thanks for letting me consider your project. Unfortunately, it is not quite right for my list. I must therefore step aside and encourage you to submit elsewhere.

Best,
Agent

PS - This reads like a synopsis, not a query. I'd suggest reading Nathan's guidelines about how to read a query.

Jeannie said...

Thank you for querying our agency. Unfortunately your project is not what we’re looking to represent at this time. Best of luck.
- Jeannie

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